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I’m so glad Gerry and Theresa didn’t have to spend some of their final days on earth actually watching The Golden Wedding

I’m so glad Gerry and Theresa didn’t have to spend some of their final days on earth actually watching The Golden Wedding
The Golden Wedding officiant Susan Noles with Theresa Nist and Gerry Turner, who definitely look thrilled to be posing for yet another photo. (Photo by Eric McCandless/ABC)

“Yes, I’m still here,” Jesse Palmer said 39 minutes into ABC’s live broadcast of The Golden Wedding, which was coincidentally also what I was saying to myself.

Jesse was possibly going to flee to be with his pregnant wife, if she went into labor. Alas, that baby didn’t rescue him, and I stayed tuned in for the full two hours.

Long, long before Theresa Nist and Gerry Turner actually got married, Theresa told us that getting married less than six months after meeting is “really soon, but life is short.” Especially for these two, as the finale of The Golden Bachelor reminded us repeatedly!

Why are we watching two hours of this, then? It’s been twenty years since ABC gave us the first Bachelor wedding, and if my math is right, this is the sixth Bachelor Nation wedding to be broadcast, and they’re really phoning it in now.

Before the Oscars, ABC gets the exclusive right to broadcast from the red carpet, so we all have to switch from E! and watch their shitty version. The majority of The Golden Wedding felt like watching stand-ins rehearse that broadcast.

When Jesse Palmer threw to Kathy Swartz on the carpet, it’d gotten dark, and Kathy and Gerry’s daughters were in shadow. The lighting at the reception was pretty terrible, too, as if someone was embarrassed and didn’t want us to actually see any of this.

“Who thought it was a good idea to put a microphone in my hand on live television?” Kathy said to Charity. Honestly, that was one of the production’s better ideas.

There was so little content that Jesse Palmer’s pre-commercial teases consisted of things like:

  • “You never know who’s gonna show up at this wedding here tonight!” (Chris Harrison?)
  • “What does Theresa’s dress look like?” (A dress?)
  • “Which Bachelor Nation alum will trip, kick over a candle, and start the carpet on fire, and take us all out of our misery?”

Okay, I made up the last one after Brayden Bowers proposed to Christina Mandrell, which is exactly the kind of thing you do as a wedding guest, if you’re a garbage person. Jesse Palmer reassured us that he got Gerry and Theresa’s permission. LOL as if Gerry and Theresa had anything to do with any of this.

Two people pose; one has her elbow on the other's chest
Christina and Brayden before taking The Golden Wedding spotlight for themselves (Photo by James Clark/Disney)

Here’s some of what the producers forced Gerry and Theresa to do in order to sell two hours worth of advertising:

  • Celebrate Christmas with their families by cramming together on a couch under hot lights answering questions fed to them by Bachelor producers. I know I love spending holidays with my family while being directed in my own home.
  • Gerry’s ring shopping with Neil Lane, during which I rewatched both Blood Diamond and this.
  • Theresa’s “bachelorette” “party,” to which she invited four of her fellow Golden Bachelor contestants, who just happened to mention her Amazon™ wedding registry before they all took off their clothes for boudoir photos, a segment somehow not sponsored by OnlyFans. The strippers, though, were actually sponsored: by Chippendales in Las Vegas.
  • Talk more about their dead spouses.

“Gerry and Theresa are finally getting married,” Jesse finally said at 75 minutes into this. Then we watched people walk and sit down for two minutes before he said, “How great is this?” and cut to another commercial. It was another 20 minutes before their vows actually began.

The best parts of The Golden Wedding

Three people in evening wear, two of whom are holding microphones, pose
Joan Vassos, Charity Lawson, and Kathy Swartz on The Golden Wedding’s gold carpet (Photo by Eric McCandless/ABC)

There were some actual highlights, and they came from three of The Golden Bachelor’s rejected women.

Susan Noles officiated the wedding, and really brought life to the proceedings. “Gerry and I met when I stepped out of the limo screaming, Gerry, I’m gonna marry you,” she said at the start of the ceremony. “Turns out I was right!”

Earlier, Natascha Hardee had my attention when she interrupted Jesse Palmer’s attempt at time-filling small talk by looking directly into a camera and saying:

“Is this camera on me? Let me you something: Those of you who are sitting on your butt at home, on the couch, and you expect something to happen? Don’t sit on your butt. Get up out that chair. Get out here in the world! Make a plan. Bring love in your life, bring romance in your life, go after that career, stop watching them children, taking care of everybody else, and make yourself number one, because you are number one. I love you.”

I love you too, Natascha! Someone give her a show.

But the person who stole the show for me—and also needs her own show—was Sandra Mason.

At the pretend bachelorette party, during the photo shoot, Sandra pretending she was posing for Denzel.

“That’s his cock I’m rubbing,” Sandra said while running her hand up a bed post. (Actually, maybe it was “dick”? It was bleeped.)

Sandra also told the camera, “I have many X-rated thoughts on my mind about Denzel. Would you like to hear them?” She then rattled them off, and ABC’s censors bleeped them out. Two hours of Sandra’s thoughts about Denzel instead of this, please?

Then, after having a lot of fun with the strippers, Sandra brought one of them to the wedding and fingered his abs on live TV.

Sandra wins; we can all go home now. We’ll see you for The Golden Divorce.

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Happy discussing!

Melissa

Friday 5th of January 2024

This sounds just fucking awful.