It wouldn’t be Christmas without some craven consumerism, so here’s my contribution to holiday magic: a bunch of ideas of gifts for reality TV fans—or for yourself—whether they love The Real Housewives or Forged in Fire, RuPaul’s Drag Race or The Great British Bake-Off.
Some are ironic; some are iconic. And most of them can be at your doorstep in as little as a day, thanks to the magic of quick, free shipping and all of the humans who are suffering to make it possible.
By the way, if you end up buying anything I’m recommending here, you’ll get something awesome and I may receive a small commission. Also: Prices were accurate when I published this, but may have changed, like prices tend to do. Happy shopping!
A very accurate doormat
Whether you want to announce your obsession with Bravo shows or allow your friends to wipe their feet on Bravo’s logo, this Bravo TV “Come Back Later I’m Watching Bravo” Coir Doormat will make it possible.
If you decide to stop watching TV and invite people inside, you could also serve them wine in your own custom Real Housewives of (your city name) wine tumblers or liquor in your Watch What Happens Live shot glasses and ski.
Bachelor, Survivor, and Big Brother coloring books
If you prefer reading about The Bachelor, there’s Amy Kaufman’s terrific behind-the-scenes book that came out earlier this year: Bachelor Nation: Inside the World of America’s Favorite Guilty Pleasure.
But if you’d rather draw all over Chris Harrison’s face, well, there are other options. I can’t vouch for the experience of actually coloring images of “your favorite shocking moments in Bachelor history,” but The Bachelor Unofficial Coloring Book had me at its subtitle: “The Most Dramatic Coloring Book EVER!”
Its author, Jenine Zimmers, has also created Survivor and Big Brother versions.
Update: On Etsy, among many other pop culture-inspired cards and coloring books, Erica Wilkes has Bachelor and Bachelor in Paradise “unofficial coloring and activity book[s].”
A RuPaul figure
It’s RuPaul from the RuPaul’s Drag Race opening credits, but as a Funko Pop! figure.
How perfect, especially for enacting your own runway shows and telling people in your life to sashay away.
A crying Kardashian that “smells like crying”
Yes, this is a real thing: Kim Kardashian Air Freshener (Tears Scented).
I don’t know what tears smell like, and I also don’t know if this is funny or cruel, but it surely belongs in every car.
Forged in Fire knives and cookware
Yes, the History Channel show about creating knives and other sharp objects has its own knives—and pans!
The Forged in Fire skillets have a “5 layer fire glide never stick coating” which allows you to “super sear steaks hotter than ever before and cut them right in the pan, without a scratch.”
Cutting in pans! What will they think of next?
There are also knife blocks for storing everything that you’ve forged—or bought on Amazon.
A book full of secrets about the reality TV industry
In his book, Reality TV: An Insider’s Guide to TV’s Hottest Market, Troy breaks down production of shows and the industry itself, including how to break in either by creating shows or working on them.
If you want to find your way into reality TV, this should be your first step.
A way to be more like Mary Berry
This seems like the perfect way to hide at holiday family gatherings, or to just terrify everyone: Show up as everyone’s favorite Great British Bake-Off judge, Mary Berry, with your own Mary Berry mask.
You could also get one of Mary Berry’s many cookbooks and create one of her desserts and bring it along.
I should note that there’s also a Paul Hollywood mask, but I’m not sure who’d want that.
Your own golden buzzer
This isn’t an official America’s Got Talent product, but who cares because it looks vaguely like the golden buzzer—and even better, you can record your own 30-second message for the buzzer to say when pressed.
There are also other colors if you’d rather not send someone straight through to the final round with a press of a button.
Manor House, on DVD
Before television came over the Internet and cell phone signals, there were DVDs, and you can still get a hard copy of one of the best unscripted shows of the past 20 years: Manor House.
It was an experiment in which an ordinary family lived as if they were on Downton Abbey, though this series predated that scripted show by many years. Other people became the family’s servants, and the results were both educational and entertaining.
A discontinued board game starring our president
Before he was president, Donald Trump was on The Apprentice, and Parker Brothers produced a board game.
In the game, according to its Amazon description, “you bid against opponents for big-ticket items like a luxury home or resort,” and “After all deals are done, whoever has the most cash wins.”
The game has been discontinued, hence the high price, but it may be the perfect gift for the Trump fan in your life.
Ancient Aliens: the book
If the Ancient Aliens fan in your life just can’t get enough of the evidence of alien existence from the show, and they also like to read, Ancient Aliens: The Official Companion Book promises “exciting insights and behind-the scenes stories from the show’s creators and leading experts in ancient alien theory.”
It also says it “explores the key questions at the heart of the series: Who were they? Why did they come? What did they leave behind? Where did they go? Will they return?”
Good questions! If they do return, they’ll clearly view this book as a sign of someone friendly.
A shirt with your favorite reality TV website’s awesome logo on it
So, yeah, this one’s a cheat. I’m not an objective observer, but I’m still in love with reality blurred‘s dancing fire logo.
There’s also stuff with the full reality blurred nameplate if you’re that kind of crazy fan.