It’s April Fool’s Day, the day when I publish a satirical story or two in order to passive aggressively make a point I’ve already hammered flat in my normal posts.
But not this year. Oh no, that’s because fake news has fucked everything up. Fucked it right up.
It’s even given fuel to those self-righteous people who want to take a day of jokes away from the rest of us. Here’s a tweet that proves it:
Hot take: Fake News Killed April 1st News Gags h/t @mccanner
— emily bell (@emilybell) March 29, 2017
Yes, there’s no satire this year, because fake news has forced me to break with a 17-year tradition of spending hours writing something to trick you—and continuing to trick people so much that an actual tabloid once ran a story correcting my joke.
How could I continue to add fiction to the world that some people might take as fact?
The mere presence of fake news—never mind the use of it as a political weapon—is now hurting the public’s perception of actually trustworthy, professional outlets.
Not that scientifically conducted polls, or facts, or science matters any more. And whose fault is that?
Fuck you fake news!
What, now we’re supposed to read every story we scroll past in our Facebook feed? And then evaluate its contents by doing more than just scanning the headline to see if it matches what we already think?
Ugh, you know what we can do with that?
Until fake news appeared, everything was fine and perfect.
Web sites were free to use our own identities against us to produce posts that are little more than badly written sentences separated by images stolen from the internet, and be rewarded with billions in venture capital that could then be used to figure out how to game the system even more and make sure only their awesome sponsored content was all we see.
And now what are we supposed to do now? Teach kids about fake news? And interrupt the important class time devoted to test-taking?
Without testing, how will we be able to dismantle public education and produce a generation of people even less qualified to think critically?
Yes you do, fake news.
And so do you, people who create fake news. You take advantage of people’s fear and fragility by making assertions completely disconnected from reality as a way of confusing and disorienting everyone, making it possible for you to continue to enrich yourselves. Thankfully no one else in the world has caught on and started to do the same thing.
You suck so much fake news creators, that even Mister Rogers hates you, and he loves everyone.
Fake news sucks so much I didn’t even believe that was Mister Rogers, but it fucking is Mister Rogers. He was singing a fucking song.
See what fake news turned us into? Cynical assholes who can’t even trust the one fucking person who loved us as kids.
This fictional, satirical story would have been part of reality blurred’s 16-year tradition of April Fool’s Day stories, but now it’s not because of fucking fake news. Happy Saturday, I guess.