Recap: All the joy and threats in The Bachelorette’s two-night stunt

From the producers of The Bachelor and The Bachelorette—shows that have no connection at all to UnReal—who brought you wonderful moments of lighthearted entertainment such as:

• A contestant’s actual death exploited for ratings,
• a woman humiliated by impossible-to-prove accusations,
• an angry man berating a woman while the show’s host joins in,
• a completely fabricated same-sex relationship,
• and a Monday night promo that misrepresented 90 percent of what happened Tuesday,

…comes more heartwarming, love-centered entertainment in a special event that includes:

• a man who just recently lost his mother and may be emotionally unstable being used by a production to power a two-night stunt episode that otherwise offered precisely one entertaining scene, and
• a man who responds to questions with threats of violence, yet still gets to continue his journey for true love.

Yes, over the course of two hours, The Bachelorette offers up more of what it’s known best for, such as:

• hacking up dialogue to create new sentences!
• a host who feigns ignorance about things he already knows about, but has to be told about on camera so there can be a produceable moment!
• b-roll or stock footage of the same bear twice in two different physical locations!
• allowing a violent man to stay and return again and again, because that’s entertainment!

You’ll be able to listen as villainous, love-seeking Chad says joyous things such as:

• “You think this is a show and you think you’re safe for now. But one day this ends. And when this ends you go home. When you go home, you think I can’t find you? You think I won’t go out of my way to come to your house?”
• “I’m not a bad guy.”
• “I’m not an aggressive guy.”
• “I can’t hurt you right now without getting in trouble.”
• “You can lie all you want—you tried to push me over.”
• “I just want you to leave me alone. Don’t push me.”
• “I have not gone out of my way to attack anyone.”
• “They just keep pushing my buttons.”
• “You backed me into a corner.”
• “Alex lied. He told her I threatened people. And you know what? Now I gotta go find Alex.”
• “She’s saving me for last.”
• “It’s not a wise decision to poke the Chad bear.”

But wait, there’s more. Don’t miss the fun of:

• Chad demonstrating his future producibility for whatever show he lands next by working in some product integration: “Have a glass of milk. … Milk’s delicious.”
• Chad saying, “I work” as an explanation about why he does not watch The Bachelor, and then returning to his very important work of wandering around a house and kicking an inflatable flamingo in the head, possibly because there were no doors available to punch.
• JoJo demonstrating the expressive vocabulary that made producers fall in love with her and dump that non-white bachelorette, as she says such things as, “What can I say? He’s hot”; “this hot tub is very hot. Very very hot”; and “it’s way too hot.”
• JoJo earning her producing credit by saying she “decided to cancel the cocktail party,” just as she decided to drive up the driveway 100 feet in a car to pretend like she drove herself to the Bachelorette mansion.
• JoJo being the decider (“I decided”) and moving the production and Chad across state lines.
• JoJo coincidentally taking Chad on a two-person date that only one person can return from.
• JoJo looking so very comfortable on that wonderfully romantic date the producers planned for her, providing an extra-big blanket that she, Chad, and Alex can all easily sit on together, and also seeming relaxed, secure, and totally safe when having a one-on-one conversation with Chad about his behavior, which “confuses me,” in part because, “I remember the fact that his mom passed away six months ago and maybe he’s just struggling.”
• JoJo leaving the drama behind (“I am so ready to just leave all that drama behind”) by not eliminating the source of the drama, but only because she’s truly interested in Chad, not at all because producers made her to keep him around in order to generate more drama.
• Producers transporting Chad back to the house so he can confront the guys one more time, and maybe this time, finally draw some blood—or maybe kill someone! Oh yes, that’d work well, because after all, The Bachelorette’s producers know how to use dead people.

Don’t worry, Chad’s coming back for the next episode, too. The Bachelorette doesn’t eliminate people who physically attack and verbally threaten other contestants. No, it’s not that kind of show!

To get sent home from this franchise, you have to do something truly awful, such as being a single mother whose friendship with a producer is twisted into a sexual affair so she can be slut shamed on national television. That’s the kind of thing that’s worthy of immediate dismissal.

Yes, all this and more, coming up on The Bachelorette!