Andy DehnartDonald Trump is fond of superlatives, which are the best and most important phrases ever, but when he said last night that he’d heard “the strongest group of words” ever on The Apprentice, he wasn’t just full of shit. Those words were spoken by Clint, who was eviscerating David, the freakish, obnoxious contestant who always seems to be angling for screen time, or perhaps it’s just past his nap time.
In the boardroom, Trump was asking his typical questions before the winner was revealed, and Clint spoke his epic words: “But before we get there, do you mind if I tell you a little bit about my buddy Dave here? Dave is the most classless, schizophrenic human I’ve ever met in my life. Dave cannot find his rear end in a bathtub when it comes to business. He’s a disruption, he’s a problem. And frankly, win lose or draw tonight, sir, I beg you, I implore you, to rid of us this plague before we go any further or we won’t be able to function.”
Trump seemed stunned, and said, “That is probably the strongest group of words I’ve ever heard on The Apprentice.”
Although Steuart called David “the virus,” and although Clint begged Trump (“you know you have the power to help us”), Trump suddenly decided he lacked the power he’s previously granted himself. “The game’s not played that way. If you win, I can’t fire David,” he said. And of course, due in no way to David at all, the men won (“That’s not a good performance against a totally dysfunctional group of people,” Trump told the women), which means we have to be infected for another week.
I will remove that hand if you ever put it in front of my face again, you understand me?
For his part, David didn’t mount much of a defense, although when Clint called him a “loopy nut,” David said, “Watch the words,” he said, perhaps because he didn’t understand them. So Clint replied, “Every word I use–I choose my words precisely, and loopy and nut both apply to you to the T. You couldn’t get a job as an Oompa-Loompa making gobstoppers. You absolutely shouldn’t be here applying for Mr. Trump’s position. It’s insane.”
Yes, yes it is.