Once again, the predictable happened on The Celebrity Apprentice 3: Donald Trump fired the less-entertaining, less-famous person instead of the person actually responsible for a team’s loss. Snore. I only tolerate it because the entertainment comes from the celebrities interaction while performing tasks–like Maria Kanellis’ “you were my idol and now you are mean to me” conflict with Cyndi Lauper this episode. There’s not much drama in the Boardroom, which is basically the opposite of the regular season as it’s just a vehicle for Trump to get rid of less-famous, less-entertaining people so he can give some cash to a friend’s charity.
The real drama in last night’s episode came after Trump fired wrestler and project manager Bill Goldberg instead of Bret Michaels, who pissed Trump off immediately after Trump saved him by saying, “Bill, I feel sick to my stomach, man.” Trump barked, “Just get out of here, Brett. You won. Don’t feel sick. You should feel good, you shouldn’t feel sick.” Brett said, “I feel great, I just lost my friend.”
Trump made that decision easily, and then did his customary turn to the right and left to get validation for his irrationality. Anyone who’s ever watched knows that the correct response is to say, “Yes, you had no choice, no choice at all, never before has a choice been as clear as the one you just made in your infinite wisdom.” Trump turned to guest “eyes and ears” Trace Adkins, and said, “I think we made the right decision. What do you think Trace?”
Then Trace Adkins sucked the air out of the room, stopped time, and caused Donald Trump’s hair to arrange itself in a pleasing pattern: “I don’t think so,” he said. Trump replied with only the blankest of blank stares. It looked like he expected Trace to say, Just kidding, you’re right, as always, and I’m now going to bang my head against the table until my skull splits open and I die, which will be only one tenth of what I deserve for questioning you.
Trump actually said, “You would have fired…” That non-question question was kind of hilarious because he seemed like he just had no idea who it could have been, even though he’d previously said there were just two options and mere seconds after he yelled at Brett, the other option.
When Trump turned to his son, Donald Jr. said, “I’m with you,” or at least, he said that once he stopped sucking on his dad’s teat.
Trump turned back to Trace and forced himself to debate Trace, who argued back. Eventually, Trump repeated his rationale and said, “That’s the primary reason I fired him. Does that make you feel better? Good. Now I feel better.”
And so do we, because if Trace hadn’t given in and agreed, which he did, the world would have collapsed on itself thanks to the black hole that would be exposed if Donald Trump’s logic center fires in his brain, causing smoke to pour out of his ears and transmogrify into an actor the writers killed off so he can stay on the show to ride an electomagnetized scooter through thousands of plot holes into a parallel universe. Oh wait, that’s Lost.