The Celebrity Apprentice 2 will conclude next Sunday with a three-hour finale and the epic showdown that’s been brewing all season: Joan Rivers versus Annie Duke.
Donald Trump’s decision to fire Brande Roderick and Jesse James–which came after Piers Morgan interviewed everyone and offered his advice–actually made sense: Although I’d hoped Jesse James would make it to the finale, he fizzled out these past few weeks, and while Brande Roderick raised more money than anyone except Annie Duke, watching her face off against Annie would be far less interesting than a Joan/Annie showdown. Brande was challenging Joan for funniest cast member, though, saying in an interview, “Holy s-r-a-p.” She then tried to allow us into her mind to explain that she was going to spell “shit” but instead switched to “crap”–anyway, it was funny.
Before all of this, Clint Black went home after failing to create a winning jingle for Chicken of the Sea; the company’s executives liked Annie Duke’s version, even though she and Brande were admittedly tone-deaf. Clint was gracious about that and left on a high note; his feud with Joan and detergent-enhanced masturbation was all but forgotten.
Joan Rivers returned to the show, of course, after stomping off with her daughter last week. Annie Duke summed Joan’s return perfectly, and set up their impending showdown: “I wasn’t surprised Joan came back this morning. Joan is completely full of shit in every single thing she does,” she said. “There’s a reason why she got fired from the TV Guide Channel, by the way, because she’s a complete bitch.”
The announcer described the Joan/Annie showdown as “the biggest blood feud on TV” during the preview for next week, which shows Annie saying “this woman needs to die” and Joan exploding in the Boardroom, apparently at Annie, saying, “this is so disgusting.” A frame or two on the preview revealed who each will have on their side, so skip to the next paragraph if you don’t want to know: Joan’s team is Herschel Walker, Melissa Rivers (duh), and Clint Black, while Annie’s working with Dennis Rodman, Brande Roderick, and Tom Green.
The greatest thing about this final two is that there are basically two groups of viewers, Joan Rivers people and Annie Duke people, and thus everyone has someone to root for and someone to hate. You’re either on the side of a woman whose frozen face repeatedly and unapologetically compared a competitor to Hitler, or on the side of a champion poker player who’s self-congratulatory but has played everyone, including that woman and her obnoxious co-dependent daughter.
Guess which side I’m on.