Russians mock Amazing Race teams in Moscow

As of last night, we’re down to just four teams and three episodes left on The Amazing Race 13, and that means just one thing: it’s time for the teams to get stupider.

• Starr made Nick a t-shirt that said “today is my birthday.” Thanks for the t-shirt that’s wearable only one day out of the year!
• Guess which team this super-creepy statement came from? (Hint: It’s not Nick and Starr, Andrew and Dan, or Ken and Tina.) “She’s the number-one person in my life, and I want her to know that I’ll do anything it takes to win this race for her.”
• Starr said Dallas is “a pretty incredible man.” Nick apparently thinks so, too: “Starr’s romantic history has been riddled with guys who take the back seat to Starr’s forceful nature, and I think Dallas is the kind of guy that can hold is own with her.” If you say so, Nick.
• The frat boys idiotically left their shoes behind during the last leg of the race, so they were wearing slippers; “we jacked them from the maid,” one of them said. Even if they just got slippers, isn’t that still illegal?
• Incredibly, there was a 24 hour shoe store in the airport. In Kazakhstan. Some people accuse producers of interfering to create drama, and I’m going to call bullshit on this one: I’m pretty sure a team of interns came in overnight and set up that shoe store, and then set exorbitantly high prices for ugly shoes to maximize the drama during the rest of the leg.
• Every time Ken blows his cab/rape whistle, I can’t help but laugh, and I don’t know why.
• In Moscow, Starr asked the cab driver, “Do you speak English?” The cab driver said no in Russian, and shook his head vigorously. Starr immediately said, “Okay, here’s where we’re going.” Nick said, “Do you know where this is?” Starr continually issued commands and asked questions in English, and said things like “can’t understand you!” even after she admitted, “our driver does not speak any English.” I get how frustrating it can be to try to speak with someone who speaks a different language, but they didn’t appear to try non-verbal communication or anything else. I think it maybe Nick and Starr who don’t understand English, because “does not speak any English” means that he DOESN’T UNDERSTAND ANYTHING YOU SAY TO HIM IN ENGLISH. Zhopa!
• Tina wanted to change into a military uniform in private, asking, “have to get naked in front of everybody?” Ken said, “You have nothing under there?” “Nuh-uh,” she replied. Way to be prepared.
• Dan and Andrew may be the worst clue-reading team in race history. Andrew couldn’t get his sock substitute on, so they decided to switch Detour tasks–and even though the uniform was a required part of both tasks, they changed out of their clothes. Then they had to come back and put their uniforms back on.
• To their credit, they realize how stupid they’re being. “Dan and I have made more dumb mistakes,” Andrew said. “A compilation video needs to be made of all our mistakes throughout the race.” Um, that’s already been done; it’s called The Amazing Race 13.
• Nick and Starr didn’t comment on the camouflage uniforms they had to put on, perhaps because they’re identical to the clothes they wear every day.
• The woman supervising the Roadblock at the bakery handled mocking everyone for us. First she yelled at Dallas for placing the bags on the ground incorrectly and told him to read his instructions. And when Nick started, she declared, “He’s not fit.”
• “That is studly,” Andrew said of Dan, who was carrying big bags of flour. “When one part of his arm or upper body would get sore, he’d find another place to put the bag and bring it in,” Andrew explained. Apparently, the editors cut that alternate carrying method out of the show; too much blurring would have been required.
• “What a pain in the ass,” Starr said about their new cab and driver. I’m not sure, but I think that’s what her cab drivers were saying in Russian.
• Dallas and Toni checked in first, and ruined the moment by nearly kissing on the mouth.
• At the pit stop, Andrew and Dan stiffed their cab driver, as they had little money thanks to their shoe purchase. Dan tried to barter his shoes, but the driver wanted cash; eventually, he took the little money they had and threw his cigarette butt onto Dan. I really like Russian people.
• Still, Andrew and Dan weren’t eliminated, as they were saved by the second–and very predictable–non-elimination leg.
• The real highlight of the episode, however, came earlier, when Dan attempted the Detour challenge. It involved marching with Russian soldiers, which Dan could not do. “My motor skills and coordination are definitely some of my poorer attributes,” he said. “I have no rhythm.” But it wasn’t that; it was that his limbs moved as if someone had severed part of his spine. Like, I really think he needs to have this checked out, because if he thinks he was doing anything close to what the other soldiers were doing, there’s something seriously wrong. Just watch and laugh along with the Russians (complete with bonus Starr yelling in English at the cab driver footage):