Sometimes people just write silly things that beg to be made fun of. Such is the case with self-proclaimed “Reality TV Expert” Casey Lee’s “Top Ten Signs You’re a Reality TV Junkie,” which she sent out in a press release Monday.
One of those top 10 signs, I’d imagine, would actually be knowing how to spell the name of this year’s biggest non-star star, Sanjaya Malakar. But no; Casey, our alleged “expert,” calls him “Sanjana.” And that’s just the start. I could excuse the flagrant product-whoring–the press release’s footer advertises its true purpose, providing ordering information for Casey’s “special report” about “How to Get Booked on Reality TV”–if the top 10 were actually funny, or even just relevant.
Alas, it’s a solid “no” on both. Ironically, her web site is thepublicitydiva.com and her bio says the report “explains how important publicity and promotion can be in one’s quest for fame.” I wonder if there’s a chapter about negative publicity.
Of the top 10 she presents, I’ll give her six and seven as being moderately clued in to reality TV, and nine even though I don’t quite think part of it makes sense. But the rest are a joke, and not in the funny way. Here they are, along with my bitchy comments that may not be all that funny, but at least I didn’t send them out in a press release:
1. You send your kids to bed in the order you “voted them off.”
A Survivor joke from seven years ago when Bill Clinton was still in office and I was 23. Now George W. Bush is entering the last year and a half of his presidency, and I’m about to have a nervous breakdown about turning 30.
2. Instead of names, your speed dial is programmed with Bravo, VH1, HGTV, TLC, MTV, etc.
That doesn’t actually make any sense. Who calls TLC? Here, I’ll rewrite the joke: Your speed dial is programmed with American Idol‘s voting phone numbers, and an help-me-I’m-a-loser hotline.
3. You know Dog the Bounty Hunter is not a pet show and that MTV Cribs is not an infomercial for baby furniture.
Cribs, moderately funny. But someone’s going to think a show with the phrase “bounty hunter” is about puppies? If you have a pet who’s a bounty hunter, I’m sure Animal Planet would be glad to create a show for it.
4. You immediately recognize the names Jonny Fairplay and Omarosa.
And recognize that they were relevant so long ago that seniors in high school have no idea who they are.
5. When watching your favorite shows, you know what is meant by “text message your answer now.”
I’m not sure what’s meant to be funny here. Maybe that text messaging is so new-fangled? Those crazy kids, sending messages on their phones. What’s next, phones that don’t have cords?
6. Instead of sending in a resume for a job posting, you send in a video application instead.
7. You know the difference between an Immunity Challenge and a Quick Fire Challenge.
8. You consider Fantasia and Sanjana bigger stars than Lindsay or Jennifer (and you actually know who these people are).
First, “Sanjana”? Second, Lindsay, we all get. But Jennifer? Who’s Jennifer? Lopez? Aniston? Love Hewitt? 8 Lee? Who the hell goes by just “Jennifer”? Seriously, tell me. I feel left out.
9. You have a folder in your inbox labeled “casting calls” for all your casting call email alert lists.
10. You know being named “The Biggest Loser” is not a bad thing to be called.
Except that it means you were, you know, fat. And so unable to control your own diet and exercise that you had to go on a reality show and make America cry as you ate your product-placed Jello pudding snacks.