One of the simpler tasks in Amazing Race history, rowing a boat, caused nearly every team to implode last night as they struggled against wind and each other.
- At the very start, Phil told us, “At the end of the last leg , Rob collapsed from heat exhaustion, and received medical attention before being deemed fit enough to continue.” Physically fit, that is. Mentally, not so much, as he continued to compete for the memorial Jonathan and Colin jerk award.
- Shortly after Tyler told us, “I know that when he’s down, I’ll try to pick him up, and if I’m down, he’ll try to pick me up. It’s always been that way in our friendship,” he told his friend and former junkie pal, “I’m going to see how much dong you got.” He was, of course, being a four-year-old and making fun of Vietnamese currency’s phallic name, not actually fondling his friend.
- Mary told us that the race was challenging. “I’m a couch potato. I stay home and I watch reality TV all the time,” he said. Now I know why I love her and feel like we’re BFFs: We’re different in virtually every conceivable way, but we both spend our lives watching others on TV. Of course, now that Mary has actually participated in a reality show, she is now more worldly than I.
- Tasked to listen for their next clue, the blondes stopped in a park and put their ears near a planter. “Listen! What is that noise? This is it right here, D,” Kandice said. “These crickets. I don’t know what that means, though.” She couldn’t understand the cricikets’ secret message because a loudspeaker nearby was too loud, continually blasting a message that stared with, “Attention racers!”
- Rob had issues with his cab driver because of the language barrier. “Dude, I don’t speak your language, dude,” he said. Then, unbelievably, he asked the driver a question in English, as if the guy suddenly learned the language: “Are you driving in a circle? He’s just toying with us right now.” Later, Rob said, “I’m done talking with foreigners.” Rob, could you also please stop talking to Americans, because we’re tired of listening to you be an asshole.
- Sarah decided to perform the Roadblock task, even though the clue asked “Who’s got strong arms and legs?” Peter, as always, was as helpful as As she struggled to scale the rock, he sat lazily in the boat, sucking on a soft drink, and said things such as, “Sarah, you’re going to be fine. You’re going to do this. All in the mind. … Pull the handicapped placard out and tell them you’re next in line. … Hey, give Tyler an ugly look when he passes you. Spit on him or something. Ha ha ha.” Seriously, this guy is the biggest assclown ever. Sarah really needs to kick him in the nuts.
- Mary continued to snipe at David, although I find it hysterical and not at all dysfunctional like when the other couples do it. Among other things, she told him, “You ain’t got a sprained leg, David. … When you become my boss, you can tell me what to do.”
- Here’s how Rob solves conflict. Floating in the middle of the ocean in rowboat, he screamed at Kimberly, “Get off the boat!”
- Soon after Sarah scaled the wall using her arms alone, Peter was rowing their boat, and told her, “I really need you not to say anything.” Perhaps it was sincere, but Sarah then seemed to start mocking him, saying, “You’re really doing awesome,” giving him the same kind of faux support he gives her. “I don’t need encouragement, I just need direction,” he said. At least now he knows what it feels like.
- A short time later, Peter threw a temper tantrum. “I’m done after this. I don’t want to do this anymore,” he said. Christ, another Flo.
- Because the race is blind to assholes, Rob and Kimberly checked in first.
- Guess which team member left their partner behind in the rowboat, causing them to say, “don’t leave me in here!” If you guessed Sarah, you win nothing, because it was completely obvious. “My feelings for Peter have changed. Sometimes I’m not always impressed with his temperament in the situation, or even his treatment towards me,” she told us. Sarah also told him the same thing, and Mr. Perky just sat with a goofy, smug-looking grin on his punchable face.
- Tyler and James’ boat captain forgot to pull up the anchor, which explained why they were “going so damn slow,” one of them said. They took advantage of the language barrier by giving him a sarcastic thumbs-up, which he eagerly returned. Still, they checked in third.
- Dumb and dumberer didn’t understand the clue about the pit stop, which explained that they were to paddle back to their motorized boat, which would take them nine miles to Phil. One of them told us, “We were just paddling all over trying to find Phil, and we eventually figured out that the boat was where we needed to be, and that it would take us” to the pit stop. That strategy didn’t work, although they weren’t eliminated, and will continue to reinforce the stereotype that beauty queens are, in fact, incomprehensibly dumb.
- Tom told Terry, “Stop the whining.” Finally. And the whining and crying have stopped for the duration of this race, as the two were eliminated at the pit stop.
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