Weavers, Bransens, and Linzes are The Amazing Race 8’s final three teams

I really enjoy this time we spend together every Wednesday morning, looking back to last night to see what jackhole behavior the Weavers engaged in, or what those yutzes the Linzes came up with as euphemisms for their yutzes. Also, I like to make up words. Alas, this is the second-to-last week, as next week is the season finale. Let’s get on with this week’s review of stupid things Amazing Race 8 personalities said:

• Host Phil said, “Teams must now travel 49 miles.” Apparently the race is going to continue to suck right up until the very end.
• A Linz was eating something and it fell out of his mouth, and he said, “Sorry, Meg.” She didn’t even look like she cared, because she’s so used to living with swine.
• Rachel Weaver was upset her sister wouldn’t get gas when they stopped for directions, although their tank was half-full. Of her sister, she said, “Look, she’s not the smartest one in the group. She doesn’t make any decisions but press the freaking gas pedal. Gosh, you drive me insane.” Rachel just came coming dangerously close to making me like her.
• “Tomorrow, we’ll get gas,” mom Weaver said. Great plan.
• “Phil Dog!” “Philenator!” “Phil buddy!” the Linzes screamed at Phil as they ran up to him. The look on Phil’s face made it clear that he was one more name away from punching a Linz in the pancreas.
• As her sister Chrissy cried about possibly being eliminated, one of her sisters said, “Oh, just don’t worry about it. Everyone loses at some point.”
• “You’re still in it, guys! Don’t stop racing!” Phil told the Godlewskis, one of whom replied, “You’re just torturing us!” “I know, I’m torturing you, see you at the next pit stop.” Did Flo nominate all of her relatives to race this year? Why does no one want to race?
• One of her kids asked her what a turtle ranch is, and mom Weaver said, “It’s where they make lots and lots of turtles.” Out of mud and from the ribs of other turtles.
• If you ever wondered what happened to the mat in-between legs, we found out as Phil walked around and told us about the Detour: He rolls it up and stores it in the front of his pants.
• “He’s cute,” one of the Weaver girls said twice about a very aged American Indian. Lack of access to porn has its consequences.
• “Time for a bone! Sun’s out, thumb’s out, baby!” a Linz said. I have no idea, either.
• “Too many chiefs and not enough–what’s the saying?” a Godlewski said while constructing a tee-pee. They write this shit for me.
• “She just waved at me real snotty, so I just smiled at her,” mom Weaver said. So insulting, that waving.
• “Put the lotion on the skin,” one of the Linz boys inexplicably said as his sister revealed she was confusing Buffalo Bill with Paul Bunyan. (Correction: He was making a reference to Silence of the Lambs, and since a Linz knows pop culture better than I do, I’m going to go hurl myself in front of a rickshaw now.)
• “Chief, come into our tribe and we’ll have dinner with you for one time,” mom Weaver said. Yeah.
• Getting their photograph taken with Buffalo Bill, the Linzes were mugging for the camera (surprise), and Wally Bransen got bitchy. “Okay, guys, pose. Let’s go,” he said. His daughters told him to “chill” and “calm down.” Then he smashed a beer bottle against a table and screamed, “No! No one fucks with Wally Bransen while he’s waiting to get a souvenir photo with a guy in a costume!” Not really, but watching the normally unflappable Wally get irritated had the same effect.
• Of the Roadblock, a Linz said, “All we have to do is search for balls?” They certainly had an advantage on that task, although some golf knowledge would have helped, as a few minutes later one of them insisted a ball would be located in a “sandbox.”
• Two Godlewskis had a meltdown/fight of epic proportions on a golf course, but it was all in the delivery, not in the content, so I’m not going to transcribe it. Also, they have the same fight every week.
• “That was the most frustrating thing I’ve ever done,” mom Weaver said, after she drove around a golf course in a golf cart that had onStar as she searched for brightly colored golf balls with the help of her son who actually climbed out of the cart to retrieve them.
• The Bransen family landed in first place. Spoiler #1: disproved.
• When the Weavers heard police sirens, Rolly grabbed for his seat belt. Apparently the only laws we need to follow are God’s. Then, mom Weaver said, “Oh, dear God,” and God came through for them, goddammit, as the cop just gave them a warning, which probably had nothing to do with the camera crew standing right next to him.
• “Weaver family, you’re team number three. You are one of the families that will be racing in the finals for the $1 million,” Phil said before he told the Godlewskis that they were eliminated and as all of us clutched our hearts and died a little inside. Spoiler #2: disproved. Christ almighty.