Last week, I was annoyed that The Amazing Race 8 aired two back-to-back episodes. This season, frankly, has sucked compared to all that have come before it.
But tonight, with some country music awards nonsense on CBS preempting the show, I found myself missing the series. Not for the reasons that I’d miss the normal race, but because I’ve grown fond of the Weavers and their outrageous hypocrisy, the now-eliminated Paolos and their infighting, and the frequently incompetent Linz siblings.
So, I got out my felt, stuffing, and Hampton Inn sewing kit, and made Amazing Race 8 puppets. Then I crawled under my bed and acted it out. Here is a rough, abbreviated transcript of the best quotes from my fake episode, which was challenging to perform, both because I was under my bed and because these people are so ridiculous, making things up is tough.
By the way, my favorite eliminated cast members made cameos, because–in case all of the preceding wasn’t enough–this is all (really bad) fiction:
- Phil started the episode by saying, “After arriving in Phoenix, teams must now travel 14 feet via balance beam to this, a kiddie pool. In this Roadblock, one team member will have to bob for bananas.”
- Upon reading the Roadblock clue, the Weaver girls sobbed because one of them would have to get their face wet, and Mom Weaver prayed: “Jesus, help us obtain this fruit with our mouths. Also, we hate the Linzes, those smug heathens and their tight, firm, supple bodies. Please crush their testicles with your vice grip of love.”
- A Linz boy almost immediately said, “My balls are tingling. I’ll scratch them. Because I’m a man. A straight man.”
- One of the Weaver girls fell off the balance beam, and Eeyore, I mean Wally Bransen, helped her up, while a Godlewski sister called for a medic. “Thanks,” the Weaver said to Wally. Then she turned to her sister and whispered, “What a dirty old man. And did you hear that catty bitch talk about me to that crew member? I hate all of these other teams and the way they talk about us behind our backs.”
- DJ Paolo held his breath as he crossed the balance beam, prompting his mom to scream, “DJ! You need to start breathing!” He screamed back, “Shut up, Ma! You’re wrong! I know how to do it! Damn, woman!” Then he collapsed while his father stood by mutely.
- The Detour, as Phil said, was “a choice between two tasks, each with its own pros and cons, although even an eight-year-old can tell that one is almost always obviously better. In this Detour, teams have to choose between playing Scrabble and Hi Ho Cherry O. Scrabble involves making words from small tiles, and that could take a while. But Hi Ho Cherry O involves small pieces, which less intelligent team members may put in their mouths and choke on.”
- Driving three miles to their next clue, a Godlewski sister burst into tears when her sister asked her to turn on the a/c, and started shrieking, “You’re so inconsiderate, and I hate all of you so much! Why don’t you just take off your sweater? Why must you bother me when I’m driving! I just can’t take it anymore! Aaargh!” Then she tried to throw herself out the window, but she was wearing her seat belt.
- As her dad drove above the speed limit, Carissa said, “Daddy, a wise man once said, ‘Though we have heard of stupid haste in war, cleverness has never been seen associated with long delays.'” Her dad said, “Who was that?” Carissa laughed, “Sun Tzu in The Art of War. Duh!”
- Phil then told us, “Teams must now navigate this parking lot and find this handicapped parking space, the eighth pit stop in a race around a tiny part of one hemisphere. The last team to check in here may be the victim of my poker face.”
- When the last team arrived, Phil said, “Weaver family, my pants are probably too tight for your tight-assness, and for anyone who values their eyesight. However, you are the last team to arrive. I’m sorry to tell you God has forsaken you and you have been eliminated from the race. You must now atone for your sins and apologize to everyone you have spoken nastily about, or else we’ll make you go home in the back of a garbage truck.”
Hey, I said it was my fantasy.