Heidi and Spencer aren’t married; Lauren and Heidi kind of reconcile

The Hills concluded its fourth season last night with an extended episode, and the dramatic resolution to the wedding saga that has consumed an obviously bored nation’s attention for weeks.

As it turned out, there was a good reason that the production used an empty courtroom at night for Heidi and Spencer’s official marriage ceremony: they did not get married after all. It’s now impossible to believe that any scene in the show is actually spontaneous, even if it does reflect some version of reality, Spencer pausing before he said “I do” to essentially call off the wedding seemed like it was coming from about five miles away. He called the wedding “sneaky and shady” and after Heidi, sounding like some kind of prisoner, said, “of course I want my mom here; I shouldn’t have to tell you that,” Spencer said, “we’ll do it the way you want” and “I’m sorry.”

The idea, apparently, was to make Spencer seem awesome and not creepy, even with that beard, and the insufferable after show twitface moron hosts Jessi and Dan drilled that point home to MTV’s viewers: Spencer had redeemed himself. Right. Earlier, Heidi’s mom cried over their wedding in Mexico, and later she confronted Spencer and told him, “I know you manipulated and plotted this whole wedding.” Spencer brattily told her that they would make it official and “you’ll be my mom.” So charming.

Also in the finale: After staring at each other for a while, Heidi and Lauren made up, if Heidi saying “the only thing missing in my life is you and I don’t think that’s going to change” and Lauren responding “it is what it is” counts as making up. Also last night, Justin Bobby gave Audrina a ring for some indeterminate reason even though they may not actually be together in real life.

So basically, once again, nothing happened, and more nothing will start happening this spring, when season five debuts.

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