The Amazing Race 9’s leaves the country with teams who think they’re funny
Last season on The Amazing Race, we had fun mocking the teams and the crapitude of the actual show. The big question going into the premiere of The Amazing Race 9 was, will it still be as funny even once they start actually racing around the world again?
The answer is a qualified, hesitant “yes.” While last season the teams were unintentionally hilarious in their obnoxiousness, the teams this time are, for the most part, self-consciously annoying. Still, it’s definitely better than last season, and there’s just something about this show that makes a lot of what the teams say funny. Thus, to continue the tradition, here’s a look at the most outrageous and hysterical things said during last night’s two-hour premiere:
- “…across more than 60 thousand miles,” Phil said, emphasizing the thousand as if to say, “See? The suck is gone already.” And that was confirmed as they headed immediately to Brazil from the starting line in Denver. Okay, I’m officially done bitching about last season.
- The team naming started immediately, as Monica wondered how “the Hippies,” BJ and Tyler, got into first place. “How the hell did they run that fast? They haven’t been smoking pot for a while, I guess,” she said.
- “I fell a little blood in the lungs,” Yolanda said.
- As she counted their money, Lisa apparently thought she was on Fear Factor, saying, “We have $140 bucks, to probably eat monkey testicles or something.”
- Yolanda, who’s been dating Ray long-distance, told us that “the race will allow Ray and I to be together for the longest period of time that we’ve ever been together. I will get to learn things about him that I have not been exposed to yet.” Welcome to the beginning of the end of your relationship, Yolanda.
- Team Nipple Ring, Eric and Jeremy, were passed by Danielle and Dani, and one of the guys said, “The ho’s passed us.” Then he decided that he would bang the ho’s because “they’re hot. The first chance we get to meet the girls we’re going to take, we’re two guys, they’re two girls, and, I mean, they’re cute.” And you’re a moron, and if there’s any justice in the world, you’ll be celibate for the rest of your life.
- “This is the first time I’ve flown in eight years,” John, the gayer member of team John and Scott, said. Just like Yolanda and Ray, John apparently thought the best way to challenge himself would be to do so while racing around the world.
- “Dag gummit,” Lake said after he and Michelle realized that the instructions particularly forbade them from booking flights over the phone, which they did. Later, though, he said “shut the fuck up” when he learned there were no seats left, so as the pressure increases, so does the intensity of his swearing.
- “I can’t believe this is happening,” Monica said, about to cry because they couldn’t get seats on a flight. “Are you really about to start to cry?” her partner Joseph asked, stunned. “No,” she lied.
- Dave and Lori practically started making out waiting for tickets. “Give me a kiss. I love you. You’re really hot,” Lori said. “Yeah you are,” he said. We’ve all been in that puppy love stage, but will this really continue until they’re eliminated?
- Ray asked Lake his name. “Lake, man,” Lake said. “Oh, like the ocean,” Ray said. Um, no, like a lake. Then Ray said his name was “Ray, like the sun.” A drop of golden sun.
- “They’re a couple minutes ahead of us. Bitches,” either Eric or Jeremy said for absolutely no reason. I think they thought that was funny. I think it’ll be funny when some “bitches” beat their asses in the race.
- “I thought Spanish was, like, the universal language of the world,” Joni or Lisa said. I seriously can’t keep these same-sex teams straight as individuals. They need to wear name tags.
- “Give me a kiss,” Lori said to Dave while in a taxi. Later, right before saying “Nerds rule,” they did some kind of complicated, nerdy handshake. If they don’t get eliminated or stop this soon, I may vomit.
- In a classic TAR moment, the old couple walked right by the clue box. “Oh, Barry! We’re not seeing it!” Fran said. “I don’t see it. It could be right in front of us,” Barry said at the exact same moment that it was right in front of him. Then they kept walking past it, as their camera operator zoomed in on the clue box. When they finally found it, Fran declared, “I don’t think it was there before.”
- “You need a tranquilizer right now,” Desiree told her mother Wanda, cementing them as my favorite team so far. Speaking Portuguese, Wanda dominated in Brazil, and her daughter provided comic relief. “I’m going to pull out all my hair, I think,” she said after their cab driver screwed up.
- “So what if we didn’t wear deodorant this morning,” BJ or Tyler said, not being funny at all. They think they’re so funny, but they’re not. The only funny thing is BJ’s name. Heh, BJ.
- Lisa and Joni had the following conversation: “Did you fart?” “No!” “Is that the city?” “Yes!”
- “I honestly didn’t think it’d be this hard,” Fran said, trying to assemble a motorcycle. She couldn’t figure out how to find a clue box on a bridge, but she thought she could assemble a motorcycle?
- “Look at her! Beautiful body,” a crowd of whistling young men shouted at Yolanda as she bent over to assemble the motorcycle, prompting her boyfriend Ray to give them a look that said, quite succinctly, “If you do that again I will crush your nuts with this wrench.”
- As Lori and David giggled about their helicopter ride, I realized that Lori was actually sitting on his lap in the back of a cab. Then I threw up into my nasal cavity.
- Why do Lake and Michelle each have small band-aids behind their ears? Is this some kind of patch? Maybe for airsickness or southernness?
- “Oh, no, we’ve got somebody behind us!” Lisa or Joni said. “Grab [crap?] a big load of turds,” the other one said, and while I have no idea what that means, it made me laugh. Then they started shrieking hysterically. “Son of a bitch! We’re still in it!” “I know, I’m peeing in my pants!” “I know, me too!” “Thank you Jesus!” Later, in a helicopter, Joni, I think, said, “We’re close to the heavens. Let’s pray. Jesus, just don’t let us be out.” And they had me all the way until they turned into the goddamn Weavers.
- Team Nipple Ring made it to the mat first, and the blonde one, Jeremy, dove into the mat. “Stupid-ass moron,” Phil’s face communicated nonverbally.
- The only thing worse than one team of unfunny twits who think they’re funny are two such teams. Enter BJ and Tyler: BJ also slid into the mat, saying, “touchdown!” It’d be nice if both of these teams were eliminated, but alas, they came in first and second.
- “Angels surrounding the taxi!” Joni or Lisa declared. I was hoping God would repent after making us suffer with the Weavers, but instead he intervened and kept Lisa and Joni in the race, which meant John and Scott, the massively unlucky gay friends, were eliminated.
- Am I a hypocrite if I say I miss the Paolos, the Weavers, and the Gaghans?