Picture it: Sicily, a boring Amazing Race 9 episode

It’s really too bad I didn’t accidentally delete this week’s highlights of The Amazing Race 9, because the episode was rather boring. Besides being completely free of Eric and Jeremy homoeroticism and horniness, watching their team and BJ and Tyler place first and second every week is getting old and increasingly irritating. There’s just no competition. If CBS keeps airing episodes like this, the time slot changes will do nothing for the ratings, alas. In any case, here’s my best effort to squeeze some juice out of this dry episode:

  • “…definitely dumb, but people who are very dumb wind up having the best luck, a lot of the time. But eventually, dumb luck runs out,” BJ said. He was not, however, talking about himself, but about Eric and Jeremy.
  • In one of those amazing moments where differences collapse, a stranger gave Monica and Joseph a map, and Joseph said, “I cannot believe these countries. I mean, here it is, five in the morning, and you stop somebody in the middle of nowhere. In the US, there is no way in hell I’d stop. I’d think I was about to get murdered.”
  • “I really want to sleep about an hour or two,” Lake said. “Well, get over it,” Michelle said, and then made a sarcastic remark about how well he was doing that. Michelle is no Victoria; she fights back.
  • In one of their less-irritating moments, BJ and Tyler made a fake sign-in sheet for a task that opened the next morning. As Eric and Jeremy puzzled over it and started to sign their names, either BJ or Tyler mocked the frat guys. Inside their car, they adopted the frat guys’ personas and said, “‘Do you think these guys just made the list?’ ‘No way, man, it says official.’”
  • Phil says “amphitheater” like “am-pee-theatre.” Perhaps that’s the correct pronunciation, but it cracks me up.
  • Lake earns the “Dumbest Comment of the Season” award. Michelle said, “I don’t even see a street sign. What am I supposed to recognize?” As if he was indicating a sign that would point them in the right direction, Lake said, “What is that thing right there?” Michelle told him that it was not a sign but “a school bus.” Lake said, “Damn.”
  • Yolanda offered her strategy for good driving: “See, when I drive, I operate on the premise you do what you do, they do what they do, everybody will be okay; nobody wants to get hurt. So you can just drive as fast as you want.” Ray’s didn’t adopt her strategy, saying, “Pbblh. Yeah.”
  • Adopting stupid Italian accents, Eric and Jeremy screamed “hey!” while BJ and Tyler yelled “buongiorno! buongiorno!” and “hey! pizza pie!” to people on the streets of Sicily, none of whom, regrettably, pulled out a gun and shot them and then buried them in cement.
  • Here’s Eric and Jeremy’s idea of friendship. After agreeing to go with BJ and Tyler to their next destination, they took off. “Just go. Screw ‘em.”
  • “Is this the best way for me to carry it?” Monica said of her huge fish, holding it with her arms outstretched. “Yeah,” Joseph said, carrying his fish the same stupid way. Within minutes, Monica was crying and in pain because the fish was so heavy.
  • “I’m glad that you’re being unilateral in the decision making,” Lori said, marking the first time anyone has said “unilateral” on the race.
  • With Monica freaking out, Joseph got upset, saying, “Come on, just tough it out for a minute. I’m gonna stab one of these locals through the head.” Well, there goes his international collegiality.
  • Joseph read the clue but didn’t seem to care. “Drive yourselves to the town of Infrona-whatever,” he said. “Siracusa,” Monica replied. And Joseph said, “Whatever.”
  • Barry’s back needs to be introduced to a razor or some Nads.
  • “41. Is that correct?” Lake told a guy at a challenge. The guy said, “Correct.” And Lake celebrated: “Yes!” Then he realized that the guy had nothing to do with the race and was just screwing with him. Locals rule.
  • Carrying her fish, Michelle said, “I have a three-year-old child who weighs 40 pounds. Surely I can carry a 35 pound swordfish.” Her child doesn’t have a huge sword, though, that she can use to stab her husband, which she almost did.
  • “Oh, kiss me, darlin’! Boy, did we ever get lucky on that!” Lake said after Michelle spotted a sign. “No, I’m just very smart,” Michelle replied.
  • “Hurry up, Jeremy! Go score, you pansy,” Eric said, probably not realizing that such comments would be aired at the same time the world would be looking at them in a different way.
  • Phil’s ability to communicate nonverbally via his face had some competition from the local greeter standing next to him. Phil told Eric and Jeremy, “you guys stink,” and Jeremy said, “it’s a new cologne we’re trying out. It’s called Sword.” Right then, the greeter closed his eyes slowly and shook his head slightly as if to say, “Somebody please plunge a screwdriver into my temple.”
  • Checking in last were Dave and Lori, the nerds. They’re very cute and still totally in love. Lori said, “Dave is the man of my dreams. I couldn’t ask for a better partner in life.” And just before saying “nerds rule,” Dave concurred, “I love Lori with all my heart, and you can’t buy that with a million dollars, you really can’t.” Sounds like the words of a man who just lost $1 million.

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