The Gaghans are eliminated from The Amazing Race 8 as God helps the Weavers pull ahead
I’m declaring today a national day of mourning, as the Gaghan family came in last place and was eliminated from The Amazing Race 8. I haven’t been this crushed since Charla and Mirna were eliminated, and seeing Carissa cry on the mat basically made me lose it. Damn this shitty show.
Despite the outcome, the episode had plenty of amusing moments. Here they are, straight from the mouths of the teams:
- Right after Mom Paolo said that her kids were starting to appreciate her, DJ got all pissy again, prompting Brian to say, “I swear to god, you guys better not fight, or I’m going to kick you in the head.” The odd thing was, as he spoke, his lips did not move. Slick editing.
- One of the Weaver girls said, “We’ve been raised since we were born not to trust other people, but to trust your family and to trust God.” And that, friends, explains the Weaver family in 21 words.
- “I’m coming,” mom Paolo said. “So’s Christmas,” DJ said. At least he’s funny when he’s a dick.
- Okay, it’s cute and all that every team has a nickname for the other teams, but couldn’t they at least be consistent? The Brady Bunch/Rug Rats, New York/The Cleavers. So confusing.
- “God, please guide us to where to go, and let us beat the other people if it’s your will,” one of the Weaver girls said. The editors then played some angelic chorus music as the family found their way.
- Carissa was largely quiet the first 20 minutes, but she opened up when they were waiting to be admitted to a volcano. “Hey, Dad, I hope it says ‘kids are free.’”
- One of the Weaver girls said, “That’s the dumbest volcano I’ve ever been to.” As if she’s ever been to the rim of an active volcano before, the twit.
- Getting directions, Mom Weaver asked a man, “On righto or lefto?” The twits do not fall far from the tree.
- The Paolos yielded the Weavers. Of course, that was God’s will. Everything is God’s will. Even me making fun of them. I can feel God making me type these words right now.
- Discovering they’d been yielded, one of the Weaver girls noticed the Paolos’ picture. “They’re in front of a garbage truck! They’re in front of a garbage truck!” she squealed, and her brother said, “Retard,” although he probably wasn’t talking to his sister. Then one of his sisters punched the Paolo family’s picture. Then they started to make fun of the other families, commenting about the Godlewski’s breasts and the fact that Brian Paolo looks like a squirrel. God’s will.
- “No one wants us here,” one of the Weaver girls said. Actually, we do, because your hypocrisy is so much fun.
- “We’re responsible to a higher authority,” mom Weaver said. They just don’t get it, do they? Then again, their ignorance must also be God’s will.
- The Linz brothers congratulated their sister, who completed the roadblock. “Get ready, you’re growing in balls,” one of them said. She replied, “21 years, guys, 21 years that I was looking forward to getting my balls.”
- “Pray, Rachel, pray,” mom Weaver said while her daughter searched for a red coffee bean among 800 pounds of coffee beans.
- Faced with selecting a Detour task, dad Paolo said, “I wanna do the bananas.” And for a moment, I thought he was going to break into some Gwen Stefani: B-A-N-A-N-A-S.
- The Gaghan kids work as a team. Carissa asked her dad, “Are we allowed to go fast on this road?” “You can’t go too fast,” her dad said. Then Billy brought it all home: “Come on, Dad, is that all you got?”
- Carissa’s dad joked with her that they should switch Mayan relics, and he should carry the smaller object she had. She said, with mock incredulousness, “Well, I can’t carry that!”
- “I’m sick of doing stuff I can’t do,” mom Weaver said. “I’m just tired of this. I’m just sick of this.” Suggestion: It’s probably God’s will for you to give up so the Gaghans won’t be eliminated.
- “I can’t do this anymore. I’m done,” Marion Paolo said, after her family stepped onto the mat in first place again.
- When the Bransens stepped on the mat, Phil said, “I’ve seen you a little cleaner. I’ve smelled you better than this before, too. This is—wow,” he said, and probably told the cameras to turn away while he retched.
- As they raced the Weavers to the finish, Billy Gaghan was pessimistic, and his sister turned to him and said, “Winners never quit and quitters never win.” How can you not love her?