Big Brother 7 houseguests make out, make us gag

Well, Sunday’s episode of Big Brother would go down in history as the most depressing ever, if it weren’t for the final moments. It will, however, be forever known as the most nauseating episode ever.

That’s because there were long, extended sequences about the two in-house romances/showmances, including a montage of Mike Boogie and Erika make out. While that sight alone is enough to make one’s digestive tract contract so forcefully that food from days ago makes a reappearance.

But that wasn’t the most horrifying part. The worst part was watching two reasonably intelligent women be manipulated by two shameless men. Boogie is by far the worst; as I mentioned before, anyone who dates him (or Howie) in real life must be pretty damn desperate.

“I think it’d be cute to have us the final two. The two lovebirds,” Erika said, nearly wetting her pants with excitement. Of course, we were then treated to Mike straightforwardly telling us that “Erika is under the impression that if we can get to the final three that I will take her to the finals. That ain’t happenin’.”

Tragically, we still had to watch them make out all over the house, including one night vision scene that almost seemed like they were having sex, especially when Erika asked, “Think they show this on television?” Boogie replied, “What happens under the covers stays under the covers.” Thankfully, because what’s under those covers is even more horrifying than these photographs.

Seriously, I have never come so close to barfing, and that was even before the baby talk. “I want to have a baby with Mike. We’re going to have a baby,” Erika cooed through that odd mouth of hers. Mike and Will said the baby would be named “Chillium,” and Will asked if he could deliver it. Erika has totally fallen into the grips of this ludicrous fantasy — Does she not remember Krista? Does she not have any care at all that MIKE “BOOGIE” MALIN WOULD BE THE FATHER OF HER CHILD?!

Anyway, Erika insisted to us “that there will definitely be something between the two of us when we leave.” Then Mike informed us, from the safety of the diary room, “Erika is going to be extremely hurt after the show. I’m a bad, bad person. I’m going to hell.” If there’s any justice in the world, yes.

Janelle wasn’t quite as bad as Erika, but it’s pathetic to watch how enamored by Will she is. “Of course I like you,” she told him, and then later, after he let his facade crack a little bit in the hot tub, she stormed off, apparently actually upset at him. Her infatuation really seems to have affected her game.

Or has it? At the very end of the episode, she told us, “I’ve got to put a stop to this madness that Chill Town’s created. No matter what they tell me, my judgment tells me that, logically, they win the veto, I’m gone.”

Finally! If they fail and Janelle wins the veto yet again, she’d be smart to kick Will out right then, just like he did to Boogie in season two. She’d be our hero again. But I’d bet a quarter that, even if she does win the veto, she’ll go after Erika, instead of, say, allying with her and taking her to the final two.

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