New kids, all-stars, The Regulators: Big Brother strategy and delusion has already begun

As could have been predicted, Big Brother 13 started off as old versus new, or as the houseguests call them, all-stars versus newbies, and episode two was dominated by our first strategy talks of the season.

I rather like this new group of contestants, and wish they would have been allowed to play a) alone, and b) without Rachel’s voice piercing my skull and causing my spine to threaten to detach itself from my brain.

The basic strategy, as far as the episode is concerned, involves the returnees banding together, and a group of the newbies banding together—but in the newbies’ case, it’s just half of each couple promising to protect each other. They’re covering their asses, basically, preparing to be picked off, which I suppose makes sense since the first HOH is a returnee, but as a group, they might be more powerful.

Dominic is such a drama queen, and he’s hilarious in his super-excitement about the tiniest of things, but especially about his alliance. When he and Keith, Lawon, and Cassi formed their partnership, Dominic announced immediately, “This is an epic moment, guys,” and then said they needed to come up with a name. Instead of spending some time on that, he said immediately, “How about The Regulators? Because we can regulate the house!” I wonder if the others are thinking, “This is the worst name ever” or “How are we going to regulate anything if we can’t beat the retunees?” but don’t want to risk conflict by challenging the name. Or maybe they’re just all delusional already. The parade of shitty alliance nicknames continues, but at least it’s not The Friendship.

The food competition was an impressive build, although since it’s still Big Brother, it’s hard to avoid that they created an moon-like environemnt with some painted drop cloths, black plastic, and water cooler bottles. The pairs of houseguests split into teams—guess how?— and the returnees easily won, with four newbies having to live in the newly padded Have Not room and eat slop and be subjected to whatever else gets the producers excited.

Speaking of, while this challenge did not involve substances being sprayed onto the hamsters, they did have to hump each other to get white fluid to leak out. I could not make this stuff up. Shelly described the experience like this: “Every time you’re caring 60 to 70 pounds of milk, and you’re body is just not used to that.” No kidding.

Rachel nominated Porsche and Keith, because of strategy, of course. Considering the conversation Rachel had with Brendon about Cassi’s possible plastic surgery (nose job? Botox?) and Brendon’s impassioned plea for Rachel to develop some self-esteem and not modify her body any more, I expected her to nominate a person who threatened her beauty and/or hair extension supply.

As the nominations grew closer, Dick approached Adam because he knows his alliance needs numbers and people on the newbie side, but his deal was basically like, “You do everything we want, forever, and we won’t go after you.” Until, of course, they do go after him. Adam agreed, probably because Dick is scary, and that’s one reason why I’m glad Dick is gone: Though his presence shakes things up, he relies far too much on threats and intimidation instead of thoughtful argument or strategy.

By the way, the teaser for Wednesday’s episode said “one houseguest unexpectedly leaves the game, it threatens to change everything.” We’ll see.

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