Big Brother fast-forwards the boredom, love-fest: Matt out (finally), Brendon leaves
And so it is done: Matt Hoffman and Brendon Villegas, the most controversial Big Brother 12 houseguest and the most competitive houseguest, respectively, have been evicted, and we’re left with four men and a woman who makes jokes about suicide to get us through two and a half more weeks.
In the pantheon of ugly, hateful Big Brother contestants, Matt is like an ant compared to a hyena. But I’m still glad this ugly ass gone, especially after his final episode gave him a chance to be even worse, like when he told Britney to go talk to his alleged best friend in the house, Ragan, by telling her, “you’re a girl and you can probably tune into him better than I can.” Thanks for that obnoxious comparison of a gay man to a woman, Matt. And of course, he gave himself more credit than he ever deserves. “I’ve got to pull another rabbit out of my hat,” Matt said after being nominated, as if he’s ever pulled off such a trick in the house to begin with. How about you just pull the strings on your hoodie and hide your face for the rest of the episode?
Matt’s betrayal caused Ragan to wake up, even as Matt lied, saying, “I never garnished that there was an alliance.” I’ve never seen an alliance garnished in the house, either, but they might be good with onions and salt. Ragan declared that he would now start playing the game, and after figuring out that the Brigade was an alliance, he said, “I’m going to have to bring this alliance down.”
Unfortunately, even though he’s a self-proclaimed fan of the game, it didn’t seem to occur to him that he could do this by creating a counter-alliance of some kind. I would have loved to see him team up with Brendon and Britney—though once Hayden won HOH, that likely wouldn’t have changed the outcome, since Lane and Enzo voted together to send Brendon home.
When Matt left, he told Julie Chen that he didn’t try to form an alliance with Britney because “Britney is an evil succubus.” In the episode’s best moment, Julie freaked out a little, because her programming wasn’t familiar with that word. She said, “try to keep it clean, please.” Matt, proving he’s smarter than everyone, as usual, said, “oh, no, that’s a clean word,” to which Julie replied, “Debatable. FCC says you can say it, we’re kind of a [family show].” Actually, Julie, the most recent ruling says the FCC’s rule is too vague, so as long as it wasn’t on your teleprompter, you could have just said, “Matt, you’re off to the jury house, where you can go fuck yourself.”
Speaking of Julie, the fun of fast-forward episodes is usually her failed attempts to wrangle the houseguests. Alas, this season didn’t even give us that, in part because it seemed like everything was watered down to make it as easy as possible.
Hayden’s HOH win was a joke. Clearly, the producers decided to have a competition that was not at all possible to screw up, so they made it impossibly easy. The visual of the houseguests breaking through the wall of boxes was cool, but after that we couldn’t see anything. Also, it would have been nice if the question they were trying to answer—which two houseguests won HOH twice—was actually challenging. It wasn’t, and the whole thing was over seconds after it began. The veto competition was more like a standard live show HOH competition, and Ragan won, saving himself and leading to Brendon’s eviction—although up until Ragan won the veto, it seemed like he’d be going home.
The lack of animosity with which everyone voted out Brendon was striking, as was his complete calm and ease as he left. Of course, Brendon doesn’t care that he’s leaving because he gets to go suck face with Rachel-poo. But really, all of the speeches last night were about them being a family and how much everyone loves each other and how they’re going to be friends, and barf.