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Jon & Kate Plus 8

Octomom’s babies will appear on Jon & Kate Plus 8

The Octomom’s eight children will appear on Jon & Kate Plus 8 when the show returns next month. TLC, which previously rejected a show starring the Octomom by herself because she lacks a husband to berate on camera, said in a statement they decided to include the octuplets in their popular docudrama because “no one knows better how to take advantage of kids than the Gosselins.” The network will broadcast the show as Jon & Kate Plus 16 during its “Contraception-Free Mondays.”

Sources said the Octomom has essentially rented her eight new babies to Jon and Kate Gosselin for use during the next season of their show, and Jon and Kate reportedly plan to pay for the babies with the money saved by using coupons for Arby’s and Sonic that inexplicably appear nearly daily in their mailbox at their multimillion dollar mansion.

They will tell the eight babies apart by having corporate sponsors’ logos tattooed to each baby’s forehead. A friend of Jon’s said that “Jon objected to the tattoos, as any father would, and he felt so strongly about it he refused to say anything to Kate about it and instead wrote her a note on the wall with laundry detergent that would be visible to Kate whenever she bought a blacklight and illuminated that space. He then slipped into a walking coma in protest.”

A source close to the Octomom said she was inspired to rent the babies “because who has time to take care of all those kids when you’re trying to negotiate deals and appearing in the media to talk about them?”

Jon and Kate’s contract also includes an option to rent her other children, and 24/7 webcam surveillance on the Octomom’s vagina, in case another baby or 12 should tumble out.

The Bachelorette 5

Bachelorette replaces Jillian with Melissa, who will also appear on Extreme Makeover

The Bachelorette 5’s announced star, Jillian Harris, will be replaced by Melissa Rycroft, who’s now appearing on Dancing with the Stars 8, according to a press release that was e.mailed to a trade newspaper reporter hours before it was released to other media in order to allow that reporter to write an exclusive story complete with quotations written by a publicist.

That will happen on the show’s first episode, when Jillian will be blindsided after she shows up to the mansion to meet the 35 telegenic men selected at random from Cragislist ads posted by desperate casting agents who couldn’t get bloggers to post them for free. “Jillian has only had the opportunity to be dumped once, so we wanted to make sure she got the full Bachelor experience,” a source close to the production said.

Melissa will appear on the show even though she’s in a post-Jason relationship, but the source said producers have promised her that “all the men are actually gay, and have perfected being closeted on TV by previously appearing on American Idol.”

Melissa will also appear on a future episode of Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, where her house will be bulldozed and replaced by a new mansion filled with Sears appliances, which ABC research has shown alleviates depression in people. The show will replay footage of her dumping set to sad music. “Reality TV-constructed heartache is so much more relatable than terminal illness,” the production source said.

“These appearances have nothing at all to do with the way we used Melissa to give us The Bachelor’s highest-ratings ever and are now trying to simultaneously capitalize on it and placate her so she doesn’t run us down,” an ABC executive said. “At ABC, we have trouble finding compelling reality stars who will put up with our general incompetence, so we must take advantage of them when we find them.”

Melissa is also scheduled to appear on ABC’s Wipeout sometime this summer, where in a special revenge edition, the big red balls will be replaced by Jason Mesnick’s testicles.

American Idol 8

American Idol will accept Twitter votes

Starting next week, Twitter users will be able to vote for their favorite American Idol contestants by including #idolsxx in their tweets, where xx are the last two digits in the contestant’s phone number. Tweets will be accepted from the end of the show until 0.5 seconds after the show concludes, because Twitter focuses only on what’s happening right now.

“It’s hard for people to stop Twittering and texting about Twittering and texting, and so instead of having to actually dial a number, they can just vote at the same time they're sharing critical parts of their day with other people who are now spending their days monitoring Twitter,” the network executive responsible for the deal said. “What’s better than combining America’s favorite waste of time with America’s newest favorite waste of time?”

The source denied that the show would make it more difficult to vote by only allowing Twitter and AT&T text messages next season, but did admit that “voting really gets in the way of the stories we want to tell.” She also said, “We considered allowing votes via Facebook, but got too busy taking the ‘What Shape Are You?’ quiz and sharing that information with our friends, who all clicked ‘I Like This’ after learning that I’m EXACTLY like a triangle. It’s really uncanny how much like a triangle I am!”

Twitter will also be used to conduct the weekly American Idol conference calls with eliminated contestants from now on. “We know that many journalists are too busy plagiarizing from blogs and lamenting the death of their industry to have time to learn how to use new technologies like Twitter, so they won’t be able to ask dumb questions, like what kind of hair product a contestant uses,” a source said. In addition, posting questions on Twitter will make it easier for certain contestants—those who blame journalists for the effect their own words have on their own lives—to track down journalists, because they’ll be able to find out what that journalist is doing in real time, at least when that journalist isn’t Twittering or blogging about Twittering or masturbating over how cool it is that they know how to use Twitter.

A Twitter executive said in a press release, “We’re proud to be associated with American Idol, whose hundreds of contestants over seven seasons have nearly all proven as ephemeral as a tweet. Just as American Idol finally gave people the power to choose artists whose records they won’t buy, Twitter makes it possible—for the first time in the history of the world—for people to be able to communicate directly with each other in real-time.”


NBC gets $2 billion bailout as part of stimulus

Fourth-place broadcast network NBC will essentially be bailed out by the federal government when it receives $2 billion in cash from the stimulus package, according to reports, and will use some of that money to relaunch failed reality series.

Unlike General Motors, NBC produces some quality products that people actually want to consume, like The Office and 30 Rock, but it has fumbled repeatedly as it attempts to appeal to a wider audience, like those people who want their comedy with fewer facial expressions, no ironic references, and more jokes that highlight the differences between men and women.

“The money will allow us to stay afloat while we spend hours trying to figure out why viewers of The Office didn’t respond to creatively rich series such as Celebrity Circus or Knight Rider,” an NBC executive said. “Now, we’ll have the luxury to try again. We’re also going to spend a few years studying the U.S. airline industry and Facebook model of developing a quality product people love and then taking away everything they liked about it in order to increase revenue and brand loyalty.” The network plans to remove its shows from Hulu and stop producing DVDs in order to force people to watch shows on TV that they wouldn’t ever have discovered if it wasn’t for Hulu and DVDs.

Besides resuscitating their own failed series and copying their successful ones to dilute the value of the originals, NBC will use its stimulus money to stimulate other networks by purchasing failed series from them—like ABC’s short-lived I’m a Celebrity … Get Me Out of Here—and broadcast those. “Sometimes, it’s okay to reach into the trash can and grab a discarded cookie, as long as it hasn’t touched other cookies or the hair from Donald Trump’s drain,” a source said.

Some of the cash will be used to put Jay Leno—whose brand of non-funny humor appeals to a wide audience of people who like their local NBC affiliate’s news but don’t know how to use their remotes—on not just every night of the week from 10 to 11 p.m., as previously announced, but also from 8 to 10 p.m. on nights when NBC faces competition from other networks’ shows that get more attention from Entertainment Weekly.

Part of agreement with the federal government includes a provision that money from the stimulus package will be used to buy product placement on the new three-hour, two-night, “fat ass” edition of The Biggest Loser, which will advertise the United States of America and any subsidiaries the U.S. acquires, from banks to airlines. Administration officials said they particularly liked the way the reality competition gives people hope through commercials.