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celebrity arseholes
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the concussion 3

dancing ringers
deadliest fetch
dirty hands
flavor of bile
sears makeover

hell's bitching 4
old schoolers
hills have eyes
kid exploitation
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the mold 3
project gayway 5
kuntry music 5
paradise hell 2
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real world 91
rw fame extension
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top cookie
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> all other shows

Big Brother 10

Big Brother 10 will cast kids ages 8 to 15

Instead of renewing its controversial reality series Kid Nation, CBS has announced that the cast of Big Brother 10 will be composed entirely of kids ages 8 to 15. The show will otherwise be identical, retaining its usual format, although the prize will be lowered to $50,000.

The idea for a kid season of the summer reality show was initially floated when producers were searching for a location for Kid Nation 2, which ran into child labor law problems during its production in New Mexico last summer.

“At first, we thought we’d go to a place Americans have forgotten about,” a producer said, noting that they considered New Orleans, Afghanistan, Darfur, and the back yards of the show’s critics. “But then we realized that no one really cares what happens inside the Big Brother house, and our research found that the only people who do are so intensely glued to their computers that they’re unwilling to even use punctuation in their sentences on message board posts, so they certainly wouldn’t put forth the effort necessary to file a complaint or alert authorities.”

CBS executives initially considered a kid-focused version of Survivor, but producers of that show insisted upon minimum health and safety requirements, which was determined to be an unnecessary burden, and Big Brother producers promised that their only priority is making themselves feel better about their own childhoods by controlling the lives of others.

The network said in a press release that the age of the cast members is not the big twist, but didn’t mention what its other twists might be, insisting only that they’d be entertaining. “On Big Brother, we tell houseguests to expect the unexpected, and the same will be true with kids,” an executive producer said. “If those babies can’t handle slop, just wait until they see what happens when we make them eat baby food. Oh my gosh, that’s such a good idea, and will make such fantastic television! I’m going to go write it down right now, and clear space for my Emmy.”

Host Julie Chen will also return, and since kids are especially responsive to robots, she’ll also host the food and veto competitions. Parents concerned about their kids’ safety will be allowed to monitor them 24/7 via the live Internet feeds, although those will be blocked at certain times, such as when the kids participate in competitions, have sex, are berated and beaten by producers in the diary room, or do anything that’s remotely interesting at all.

Because the kids cannot legally drink, producers are reportedly looking for other ways to ensure constant drama, like periodically telling some kids that their houses have burned down and their parents are dead.

The Hills

Lauren Conrad will work for TMZ during The Hill’s fourth season

Lauren Conrad will change jobs again for The Hills fourth season, which is currently filming. After leaving Teen Vogue, she spent time at a PR firm, but will now work for gossip blog TMZ. The actual nature of her new job is unclear.

“Having faked her own life for years, Lauren is particularly used to the idea that reality is flexible. Plus, there’s no actual standard for truth here, so she fits in perfectly,” a source said. “At TMZ, we have as much experience with and knowledgeable about journalism as LC does with cinéma vérité, so we expect that she’ll soon become our Vice President for Filming Celebrities Doing Newsworthy Things Like Leaving Stores.

Another source said, "As a bonus, she also understands that there’s no such thing as a line between public and private, and having used her friends to land magazine covers, knows that there’s no such thing as going too low. Seriously, it’s so perfect, we can’t believe no one thought of this before, except whoever we borrowed the idea from and neglected to give credit to.”

Because filming at TMZ’s headquarters would be too disruptive, MTV executives said they’d recreate TMZ’s newsroom in a converted San Fernando Valley hotel. In addition, the time and energy that it would take to have Lauren travel between the two locations means that she’ll skip work at the web site and instead report to work at the hotel set, reenacting scenes while working from something they’re calling a “script.”

Other gossip sites and Livejournal users immediately copied and pasted the story of Lauren’s new job onto their own blogs, leading the print and broadcast news media to credit 17 different sites as the source of the information, because it’d take too much effort for blogs to link and the media to follow those links. Commenters on those sites raced to be the first person to post “FISRTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!! Ur all so losers” after the story and do their part to prove that journalism now belongs to the people.

Executives at Bravo and Bunim-Murray Productions—who have successfully absorbed personality-driven pop culture web sites in order to establish new marketing plateforms for their brands, maximize pageview to word count ratios, and monetize the founders they eventually drove away—immediately set about looking to acquire TMZ to add to their portfolios, according to a story in Page Six, which a banned Defamer commenter reported on his blog has been searching for a way to cause its competition to shut down, like did.

Industry News

Reality show camera crews, audio engineers go on strike

Inspired by the success of recent writers’ strike, reality show camera operators, sound mixers, and other non-producer crew members voted to go on strike effective today. Citing the cruelty associated with having to spend 24 hours a day, sometimes for months, with reality show stars, they demanded benefits and perks such as health care, living wages, and bathroom breaks.

Producers immediately issued a press release and started a blog commenting campaign deeming those requests “unreasonable” and insisting that crew members were responsible for “systematically destroying the genre that’s become increasingly known for its ability to pump out cheap-looking content at virtually no cost whatsoever.” They also assured networks that, thanks to members of the crew guild who also are members of the producers’ guild and thus were able to show up to work and shoot footage while pretending that they were not, there would be no work stoppage.

Crew members say that abuse has gone on long enough. “We’re the ones who have to listen to literally every single thing these half-witted self-absorbed egotistical people actually say,” one sound engineer said. “Sometimes when I take my headphones off at the end of the day, I go and drag my fingernails across a chalk board just to give my ears a rest.” Camera operators say they suffer just as much abuse, as their jobs require them to get so close to the action that they often leave work with symptoms that suggest they may have acquired STDs.

Union bosses settled with ARSEHOL (the Alliance of Reality Show Executives and Honorable Oligarchic Licensees) before they even came up with witty phrases for their picket signs. As part of the settlement, crew members will now wear coveralls blanketed with show sponsors’ logos, which producers called “a previously untapped integrated brand marketing opportunity. Often, crew members accidentally end up in a shot, and missing an opportunity to insert a paid sponsor’s logo into a show is a breach of the ethical code that we hold so dear.”

Producers have also agreed to offer hazard pay and reimburse crew members for medical expenses, but only after a 17-day window, which they said was necessary to ensure that stories had a chance to fully develop without actually costing them anything. Representatives of the producers’ guild denied reports that they plan to limit shoots to 16 days or fire and replace crew members every 16 days. Crew members were unavailable for comment, an intern holding a camera and boom mic told reporters.

The Celebrity Apprentice 2

Donald Trump invites Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton to compete on Celebrity Apprentice 2

Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama’s willingness to use talk shows and other popular culture to their advantage has prompted NBC to issue a press release inviting the candidates to appear on The Celebrity Apprentice 2. “The media wants a quick decision in the primary campaign and something far more entertaining than a discussion of ideas, and our network has the perfect mechanism for that kind of simplified thinking: Donald Trump,” an NBC executive said.

Trump said, “What better way for the Democratic primary to be decided than on my show, the number one show in the history of entertainment.” Critics charge that Trump’s decision-making is too arbitrary, but Trump laughed at that, saying, “as if voters have better criteria than I do, which is none whatsoever.” He also promised them that whatever decision he’d make, it’d absolutely be the right one, because his kids peeked out from his shadow and told him so.

Not to be outdone, executives at ABC, CBS, The CW, and Fox quickly issued similar press releases, offering the candidates spots on shows such as Dancing with the Stars and other star vehicles. One network rep said, “This is perfect timing, because we’re just about out of celebrities to cast for our celebrity-focused reality shows. And it’s so much easier to just do celebrity versions than come up with new ideas.”

Fox offered to air American Idol in the fall and invited John McCain and Ralph Nader to appear on the show, which will modify its format so that it can be used to select the next president. “Clearly, we’ve exhausted the supply of young people who can both sing and deliver the crazy, so it’s time to change things up,” a Fox executive said. McCain had to be briefed on the show’s concept by his advisers, who also had to explain to him what a television is, while Nader’s advisers said he’d think about it just as soon as he was done masturbating to results of the 2000 Florida election.

Gordon Ramsay said he’d chop off his bollocks if Fox made the candidates work as line cooks on Hell’s Kitchen, while Tyra Banks said if the candidates agreed to appear on her show, America’s Next Top Model, she promises to only ask them questions about herself.