ArchivesThis satirical story is part of the April 1, 2006 edition of reality blurred.
Fighting back against relentless criticism that they fake their shows and overwork their employees, the major reality TV production companies are abandoning their current slate of reality shows and are instead developing plans to produce a new type of TV show.
Because of the WGA’s relentless campaign on behalf of reality show editors and writers, which focused primarily on guild members being as annoying as possible, the production companies convened a weekend-long brainstorming session in the Big Brother house. “Once we got there, we were going to swim in the hot tub, but then realized that some kind of fungus with eyes and teeth was growing in it. Instead, we talked about our problem and quickly came up with a solution,” one participant said.
The problem, they realized, was that “it’s really hard, pointless work to stand around all day and film, especially if nothing happens,” as another producer said. “We realized how stupid we were being, working so hard to make reality look real. I mean, do you have any idea how hard it is to ask stupid middle-class people to reshoot a scene over and over again and look natural each time? It’s like they have no fucking acting experience at all,” he said.
To avoid those kinds of complications, they unanimously decided to abandon reality TV and instead create a brand-new genre. As one participant explained, “It’s such an innovative idea. First, we’ll write down ideas. Then we’ll hire people to do those things in front of cameras. That’ll make our jobs so much easier, and we can go back to doing blow off Tonya Cooley’s vagina.”
The new shows will be called “written TV.” Casting producers will be working with George Washington University’s new “acting for reality TV” class, which the GW Hatchet reports “will teach methods for portraying several commonly-cast reality TV roles, such as ‘skanky alcoholic,’ ‘homophobic Southerner,’ ‘privileged JAP,’ ‘token black guy/girl’ ‘sullen hipster,’ ‘naive virgin,’ ’ flamboyant gay,’ and ‘overweight woman who eats her feelings.’”
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