ABC wants Michael Schiavo to be the next Bachelor, which could air soon.

This post is part of the satiricial April 1, 2005 edition.

ABC wants Michael Schiavo to be the next Bachelor, which could air soon.
ABC has contacted Michael Schiavo’s lawyers, trying to negotiate an appearance on the network’s Bachelor franchise. Speaking on condition of anonymity, an ABC entertainment division exec said, “Along with all other media outlets, opportunistic Republican and Democratic politicians, and hypocrites of all flavors, our news division has already exploited Michael, his wife, her family, and this whole tragic situation, so why shouldn’t we?” The network is hoping to start filming the series as soon as possible, and may even shorten the current season to get the new series to air faster. The exec said, “Everyone knows him right now. It just sucks we cast this unknown dolt Charlie O’Connell for this season.” When asked to respond to reports, a PR person said, “Silly blogger, we only give out info when we have some piece of crap to promote.” A media buyer expressed hope for this new season, saying, “ABC’s utter incompetence when it comes to reality series has left The Bachelor on the reality TV version of a feeding tube, so this makes perfect sense.”

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