reality unfurled: the April 1 edition.

Friday, April 1

The Bachelorette ABC wants Michael Schiavo to be the next Bachelor, which could air soon.
ABC has contacted Michael Schiavo's lawyers, trying to negotiate an appearance on the network's Bachelor franchise. Speaking on condition of anonymity, an ABC entertainment division exec said, "Along with all other media outlets, opportunistic Republican and Democratic politicians, and hypocrites of all flavors, our news division has already exploited Michael, his wife, her family, and this whole tragic situation, so why shouldn't we?" The network is hoping to start filming the series as soon as possible, and may even shorten the current season to get the new series to air faster. The exec said, "Everyone knows him right now. It just sucks we cast this unknown dolt Charlie O'Connell for this season." When asked to respond to reports, a PR person said, "Silly blogger, we only give out info when we have some piece of crap to promote." A media buyer expressed hope for this new season, saying, "ABC's utter incompetence when it comes to reality series has left The Bachelor on the reality TV version of a feeding tube, so this makes perfect sense."

The Real WorldRoad Rules all 201 former Real World, Road Rules cast members will be on the next Challenge.
The next season of The Real World/Road Rules Challenge will have a cast numbering more than 200, including every one of the 118 people who've appeared on The Real World and the 83 who've done Road Rules. The tiny number of former cast members who've embarrassingly shunned show-related appearances and gone to actually accomplish things in their lives -- like LA's Aaron, London's Jay, and, um, I can't think of any others -- will participate, as producers threatened them with their contracts' little-known Rumpelstiltskin clause. Executive producer Jon Murray said, "It's not like most of them do anything besides talk and blog about their appearances on our shows. And those who think they're better than our show, well, we made them, and we can destroy them, too." All 200 plus cast members will be stranded on an island in Borneo for a year, with cameras covering their lives 24/7. "Having ripped off Fear Factor and other shows, we figured, why not borrow from Survivor and Big Brother? We're so beyond being out of ideas that now we're just making stuff up on the spot," an MTV exec said. Since the rules of the Challenges have become increasingly inane, rules will be dispensed with for this season, which is subtitled, "Lord of the Flies."

Top Model chaos erupts during Top Model 5 judging.
Production of America's Next Top Model cycle 5 has been stopped after a chaotic judging ceremony. The problems began when a judge suggested a model didn't look "fierce," and the model said, "What the hell does that mean, really?" Outraged, Janice Dickinson began to shout, "As the world's first walking human skeleton, I know fierce," but before she could finish, her nose fell onto the judging table, and when she reached for it, her entire arm crumbled into dust. Panicked, Jay Manuel shrieked and burst into flames. And since Tyra wasn't programmed to handle this sort of situation, she short-circuited and just kept repeating the most awkwardly phrased lines in the history of reality television: "These photos represent the x of you that will still be in the running towards becoming America's Next Top Model. The first name that I'm going to call is. Will y and z please step forward. The first name that I'm going to call is. Will y and z please step forward." UPN said production will likely continue next week, just as soon as Tyra can be reprogrammed to be as unobtrusive and insignificant as Manhunt host Carmen Electra.

blog writers star in new MTV series.
A new reality show will follow the staffs of hip weblogs. Having run out of tripped-out D-list celebs to profile, MTV is turning to the tripped-out 20- and 30-somethings who keep the nation from doing actual "work" at their "jobs." One episode features the staff of Gothamist offering New Yorkers advice. At the beginning of the episode, editor Jen Chung tells a homeless man in a subway that the newspapers he's covering his body with "can cause paper cuts; you should be careful, and consider using a blanket to keep warm." Another Gothamist staffer tells a kid, "Don't talk to strangers, or you could be raped and cut into little pieces and then your mommy will cry." The whole staff will also be shown group editing one of their award-winning weather posts, instructing readers, "It's raining -- and to avoid getting wet, you should use an umbrella, which can deflect the raindrops because it's made of a material that water doesn't permeate."

In later episodes, the staff of TVgasm is revealed to actually be the cast of Saved by the Bell: The College Years, the editor of Modelizer is taught how to use commas correctly, Andy Towle finds homoeroticism in the phone book, and Bookslut's editors reveal the model in their logo is actually Annie Dillard. The debut episode, however, follows the sweatshop that is the Gawker media empire, focusing on the editors of its properties -- except for those who write the new blogs that no one reads. Near the end of the premiere episode, cameras catch up with Wonkette's Ana Marie Cox between blogging conference appearances, which have kept her so occupied she now has to pretend to be both drunk and an actual blogger, since she hasn't actually blogged in months.

  • Want real news? Go here. Or, you can read earlier April Fool's Day editions: April 1, 2001, April 1, 2002, April 1, 2003, April 1, 2004.