Jessica is pregnant, will divorce Nick.

This post is part of the satirical April 1, 2004 edition; however, Nick and Jessica announced their real separation on Nov. 23, 2005.

Jessica is pregnant, will divorce Nick.
Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey are having a baby—but Nick won’t be around to see the birth. Announcing her pregnancy, Jessica said she felt Nick tricked her into having his child: “He put his purple-headed yogurt slinger in my fuzzy taco without the Saran Wrap, and now there’s, like, a baby in my tummy tum tum tum.”

Jessica says the couple regularly used Saran Wrap and Coca-Cola for protection; she learned about those in her abstinence-only sex ed class. Nick insisted it wasn’t his fault, saying, “Do you really think I want my genes to mix with hers? I’m glad this happened, though; I really can’t stand her. Let’s see how well her solo career does without the benefits of my shadow.” Jessica’s producer/manager/pimp/father Joe Simpson denied that he was in any way responsible for her pregnancy: “I only whore my daughter out to MTV and ABC; I wouldn’t take advantage of her. But I’m glad she’s preggers because now I can produce more shows.”

Production on Newlyweds: Nick and Jessica has ceased, but the couple’s separation and ultimate divorce will be chronicled in Newlydivorced: Nick and Jessica, which will air on MTV this fall. A spin-off, Newlyborn: Nick and Jessica’s Spawn, will chronicle the prengnacy and childhood of the baby, from zygote to afterbirth to first steps.

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