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[ Thursday, April 1 ]
NBC cancels The Apprentice after FCC says it is "inflammatory" and "obscene."
NBC has cancelled The Apprentice just a few weeks from the season finale. The reason: NBC was told that the FCC was about to fine the network $8 million for "obscene images of cleavage" and "male flesh," in addition to "inflammatory advertising" for Trump's properties that could "corrupt minors unspoiled by commercialization." An NBC exec said, "We gladly complied with the FCC, as we certainly don't want to expose America's families to the devil's playthings." It will be replaced tonight with an unedited director's cut version of Dawn of the Dead, which the MPAA recently gave a "G" rating. Mark Burnett and Donald Trump will seek a satellite carrier to air the remaining episodes. In a statement, Trump said, "This is the greatest television show ever produced; subatomic particles tell me every day that they want to be a part of the electrons that make my show come to life on your television screens. Both the FCC and NBC can eat my ass, which is the best-tasting ass in the world."
court papers reveal Carson is straight.
The Smoking Gun has unearthed court documents that include Carson Kressley's sworn statements that he's actually straight. After grabbing the straight guy's crotch during taping of a Queer Eye for the Straight Guy episode, the show and Carson were quietly sued in January for damages related to sexual assault. Bravo quickly settled for an undisclosed amount. The settlement papers reveal Carson's defense: He is merely affecting a "super-flaming-gay persona" that he crafted for years in community theatre and bath houses. Carson says being straight made the crotch-grabbing and fondling in question the same sort of mere non-sexual horseplay that occurs regularly in locker rooms among straight male athletes. As evidence of his heterosexuality, Carson cites his subscription to Men's Health, and says his sense of fashion clearly proves he's straight: "What self-respecting gay man would mix colors like these or have hair like mine?
+ also: Gawker readers spot Jai making out with an unnamed hobbit in an elevator.
Jessica is pregnant, will divorce Nick.
Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey are having a baby -- but Nick won't be around to see the birth. Announcing her pregnancy, Jessica said she felt Nick tricked her into having his child: "He put his purple-headed yogurt slinger in my fuzzy taco without the Saran Wrap, and now there's, like, a baby in my tummy tum tum tum." Jessica says the couple regularly used Saran Wrap and Coca-Cola for protection; she learned about those in her abstinence-only sex ed class. Nick insisted it wasn't his fault, saying, "Do you really think I want my genes to mix with hers? I'm glad this happened, though; I really can't stand her. Let's see how well her solo career does without the benefits of my shadow." Jessica's producer/manager/pimp/father Joe Simpson denied that he was in any way responsible for her pregnancy: "I only whore my daughter out to MTV and ABC; I wouldn't take advantage of her. But I'm glad she's preggers because now I can produce more shows." Production on Newlyweds: Nick and Jessica has ceased, but the couple's separation and ultimate divorce will be chronicled in Newlydivorced: Nick and Jessica, which will air on MTV this fall. A spin-off, Newlyborn: Nick and Jessica's Spawn, will chronicle the prengnacy and childhood of the baby, from zygote to afterbirth to first steps.
The Simple Life 2 will visit Mister Rogers' Neighborhood of Make Believe.
Want real news? Go here. Or, you can read earlier April Fool's Day editions: April 1, 2001, April 1, 2002, April 1, 2003.
Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie will spend a week in Mister Rogers' Neighborhood of Make Believe on their cross-country Simple Life 2 trek. "We had to find a place where the locals wouldn't mind being talked down to by two socialites pretending to be ignorant, and we found that puppets are remarkably tolerant of our classist bullshit," a producer said. Nicole will stay with Henrietta Pussycat, who said, "Meow meow heroin meow meow meow!" Paris will bunk with X the Owl. Prince Tuesday has been packed away in a box so Paris won't be tempted. For half the week, they'll work at Lady Elaine Fairchilde's Museum-Go-Round, which despite many revolutions has still not been around as much as Paris.
[ Monday, Mar. 34 ]
Top Model's Shandi is actually a stick puppet.
Paradise Hotel cast members Zack, Toni, Charla, and Amy re-enroll in middle school to "recapture the experience we had on the show."
Rupert smuggled lighter fluid, a case of Capri Sun, and a titmouse in his beard for the Survivor All-Stars shoot.
ABC says it has an Apprentice-like hit with new Celebrity Yahtzee Cancun.
tape shows Apprentice n-word was actually "nannynannybooboo."
Surreal Life 3 will feature Eminem, Bob Dole, John Mayer, and Patty Hearst.
Last Comic Standing 2 contestants selected with a game of rock, paper, scissors.
FOX plans show with bisexual people pretending to be gay people pretending to be straight people pretending to care.
Eric Nies, Jon Brennan join Real World Philadelphia picketers; want to be cast again.
new show will focus on frequent defenstration, conflagration.