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Monday, April 1

The Real World Real World Las Vegas cast member wins $7.9 million at Aladdin's casino.
A cast member of The Real World Las Vegas hit the jackpot on a $1 Megabucks slot machine at the Aladdin casino Friday, winning $7,986,899 on a $3 spin. However, a Bunim-Murray staff member said that the win will probably not be on the show, which debuts this summer. "What happens around our cast or to them is not really what The Real World is about," the staffer said. The cast member found the winning $3 while swimming around the Bellagio fountains because he spent all of his money and his parents' 401(k)s on The Price is Right and Texas Tea slots. The staffer said producers are currently dealing with a bigger crisis: The "virgin" is now working as a prostitute, and thus she's not filling the role they cast her for.

The Osbournes spoiler: Ozzy bites neighbor's head off on Tuesday's episode of The Osbournes.
On this week's The Osbournes, Ozzy will confront his noisy neighbor and actually bite the man's (diminutive) head cleanly off while Sharon jumps up and down and screams, "That's it, bite the divvy chap's fucking 'ead off!" Kelly reportedly admonishes him, saying, "Dad, you're thinking with your fucking plonker again." MTV originally intended to not air this part of the episode, but decided now was not the time to develop standards. "We called Arnold Shapiro and John de Mol for advice and they both said go for it," said an MTV exec.

+ find more on The Fucking Osbournes

Survivor Survivor Marquesas audience mostly Dungeons & Dragons players, Trekkers.
The latest ratings have found that Survivor Marquesas' largest fan base is of former Dungeons & Dragons players, Magic the Gathering players, Trekkers, Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings fans waiting for the next movie, and other similar groups. The supreme ruler of the Survivor message boards, who had his name legally changed to Jeff Probst and had dimples surgically added to his face, denies the charges that the show is now only of interest to fanatics. "That's so untrue. How can they say that watching a strikingly familiar group of 16 strangers do the same challenges for the fourth time in a row is not scintillating TV?"
+ also: next week's immunity challenge involves cast watching an episode of Baby Bob as CBS product-places itself.

TV critics declare reality TV dead.
At their annual conference, the nation's TV critics unanimously voted to declare reality TV "really really over." In-between sessions where they received promotional items and pre-written columns, the critics also voted to stick their fingers in their ears and close their eyes and go "na-na-na-na-na" every time anyone mentions one of the more than a dozen reality TV shows currently on the air. "Honestly, we're tired of people far less talented and more stupider than us making more money than us and becoming famous just by eating worms and living without deodorant for weeks," one critic told a wire service. "Plus, who watches those shows? Now, the sit-com -- there's a genre that's taking off!"

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  • Want to read some real stuff? Go here. Or, you can read last year's April 1 edition.