NBC executives will shuffle several personalities between its shows, part of a strategic attempt to increase ratings by creating compelling drama off screen instead of in prime time.
In the most significant move, Celebrity Apprentice star Donald Trump will be replaced by Jay Leno next season. Leno’s humorless monologues and disengaged interviewing are a strong fit for the celebrity reality competition, and Leno is also capable of delivering significantly more delusion and ass-kissing than Trump ever could.
Trump will move to The Today Show, where he’ll replace Matt Lauer, who’s being forced out because of his popularity has dropped thanks to anonymous reports revealing his role in ousting Ann Curry, starting the war in Iraq, and literally crucifying Jesus.
Trump’s conspiracy theories and ego will fit well in The Today Show’s earlier hours, which emphasize hard news and thus frequently feature Trump and his in-depth investigative reporting. The show also needed a way to draw those viewers who obsessively watch cable news so they can learn what they need to be scared of as a way to avoid facing their own impotence, literal and figurative.
Ryan Seacrest, who contributed to NBC’s Olympics coverage by standing in front of screens with Olympics footage on them, will take over The Tonight Show. It will become 100 percent product integration and will be filmed in between breaks on Seacrest’s nationally syndicated morning show, which he records while on the treadmill and/or toilet in between offering outtakes from Kardashian shows in ritual sacrifices to the devil.
This fictional, satirical story is part of the April 1, 2013, edition of reality blurred. Happy April Fool’s Day.