CBS fights Glass House with satire and claims that feed watchers will choke on

CBS is still very riled up by ABC’s The Glass House, issuing a comparison between The Glass House and Big Brother that’s both inaccurate and kind of ridiculous, and also crafting a satirical, mocking press release that pretends it’s launching shows based on ABC’s Dancing with the Stars and Modern Family. Clearly, the network is freaking out about a show that’s not even very good.

First, a comparison chart created by CBS for the court last week, and published by EW, lists 12 similarities between the shows, with dramatic checkmarks showing that every “element is present in the TV show” for both shows. By my count, only 1, 2, and 3 are even remotely original to Big Brother, and you could argue that there are other soundstage-set shows that use multiple cameras (Hell’s Kitchen, to name a network series). Numbers 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, and 12 are common to so many reality series I can’t count them, and it’s laughable that they’ve included things such as “Contestants vote each other from the show” and “the last contestant remaining wins a six-figure prize.”

But number four is the real gem: “No post-production tweaking to the main narrative.” Yes, the network that regularly distorts the reality of situations, such as to protect the bigots it cast, is honestly arguing that it presents the story without “tweaking” it. Someone resuscitate the feed watchers, who know what really goes on.

Meanwhile, CBS today issued a press release that mocks ABC for knocking off its format. This is far from the best satire ever written, and it’s not even really that funny, though there are some moments–I think it’s downhill after the brilliant title and concept.

But for this network to at least attempt this sense of humor to win the battle of public opinion is pretty interesting, especially because it shows that they are still really honked off over there:

CBS ANNOUNCES DEVELOPMENT OF “DANCING ON THE STARS,” AN EXCITING AND COMPLETELY ORIGINAL REALITY PROGRAM THAT OWES ITS CONCEPT AND EXECUTION TO NOBODY AT ALL

Los Angeles, June 20, 2012 — Subsequent to recent developments in the creative and legal community, CBS Television today felt it was appropriate to reveal the upcoming launch of an exciting, ground-breaking and completely original new reality program for the CBS Television Network.

The dazzling new show, DANCING ON THE STARS, will be broadcast live from the Hollywood Forever Cemetery, and will feature moderately famous and sort of well-known people you almost recognize competing for big prizes by dancing on the graves of some of Hollywood’s most iconic and well-beloved stars of stage and screen.

The cemetery, the first in Hollywood, was founded in 1899 and now houses the remains of Andrew “Fatty” Arbuckle, producer Cecil B. DeMille, Douglas Fairbanks, Jr., Paul Muni, Benjamin “Bugsy” Siegel, George Harrison of the Beatles and Dee Dee Ramone of the Ramones, among many other great stars of stage, screen and the music business. The company noted that permission to broadcast from the location is pending, and that if efforts in that regard are unsuccessful, approaches will be made to Westwood Village Memorial Park, where equally scintillating luminaries are interred.

“This very creative enterprise will bring a new sense of energy and fun that’s totally unlike anything anywhere else, honest,” said a CBS spokesperson, who also revealed that the Company has been working with a secret team for several months on the creation of the series, which was completely developed by the people at CBS independent of any other programming on the air. “Given the current creative and legal environment in the reality programming business, we’re sure nobody will have any problem with this title or our upcoming half-hour comedy for primetime, POSTMODERN FAMILY.”

“After all,” the spokesperson added, “people who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones.”

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about the writer

Andy Dehnart is a journalist who has covered reality television for more than 15 years and created reality blurred in 2000. A member of the Television Critics Association, his writing and criticism about television, culture, and media has appeared on NPR and in Playboy, Buzzfeed, and many other publications. Andy, 36, also directs the journalism program at Stetson University in Florida, where he teaches creative nonfiction and journalism. He has an M.F.A. in nonfiction writing and literature from Bennington College. More about reality blurred and Andy.