And: wow. After its slow start, The Celebrity Apprentice keeps delivering, and last night’s episode was no exception. As the emotion and anger increased, so did the quotability of the celebrity contestants, who have had enough of each other’s shit. And that’s the best way to look at the crazy two hours, by highlighting the best quotations of the episode:
- Arsenio Hall was still on his vicious anti-Aubrey O’Day tirade following last week’s boardroom, and Lisa called him on his increasing sexism when he called Aubrey a “bitch” and “whore.” Lisa said/yelled, “Yelling bitch and whore about a fucking woman is fucing wrong. Don’t be a fucking asshole. And don’t ruin your fucking image and your fucking career. Don’t be bitchin’ and whorin; every woman in America is going to hate you.” Psst, Lisa: some men don’t like that, either.
- Arsenio replied in an interview, “Lisa Lampanelli is the last human being on the planet that can tell me what language I should use when I’m angry. That’s the pot caling the kettle black.”
- Lisa was appalled that Lou and Dayana returned, noting there are “five goddamn brain cells between them.” I think that’s generous.
- For the task, creating a commercial for a web site thing that does something like a coupon or something, Paul Teutul died his hair and mustache and wore a long-sleeved shirt and a sweater vest. Clay said it was “the funniest shit I have ever seen”; Paul called his new image a “360-degree turnaround.” Um.
- Aubrey called Teresa a “muppet baby.” I’ve always found her to be more of a Bratz doll myself.
- Clay Aiken noted that “Aubrey’s biggest talent is covering her ass.” Aubrey, on the other hand, called Clay and Arsenio bullies and connected their behavior to the anti-bullying work of her charity, GLSEN. And then she made a joke that sounded like it was about non-consensual sex: “The second that we lose, Clay and Arsenio will start the gang-bang on [Teresa] and she’ll get to see what I went through the other night.”
- Lou Ferrigno, aka the original Incredible Hulk, said, and I quote, “Lisa’s lucky not to be a man tonight, because I would throw her right through that wall, because after the last boardroom, you called me a fucking loser.” He really did say that, and he repeated it later, and continually acted as if Lisa’s swearing was significantly worse than his threats of violence. Lisa told him, “If you physically threaten me again, there’s going to be a problem.” Trump said, “I’ll protect you.” Lisa replied, “Yeah, I’m sure you will.”
- “That could be job-threatening. This is not her image,” Trump said of Teresa when Clay Aiken said she was the nicest woman left. And then she stabbed someone in the neck.
- Paul Sr. said that “Clay’s always a hitter. The guy is so well-rounded,” and Trump seemed surprise that a straight guy would complement a gay guy, so he went for the nonsensical line of questioning. “How would Clay get along with your rough guys, cause I see some of the guys you work with. They’re seriously rough,” Trump said. Who says Clay doesn’t like rough guys? [Insert swarm of Claymate comments here–oh yes, they crazy ones are still just as crazy in 2012.]
- After a zipper noise, an young male actor told Aubrey, “Here, take it in your hand.” Aubrey replied, “So all I have to do is move my fingers up and down like this?” And yes, that ad won. In fairness, it was not as bad as Clint Black masturbating with detergent or someone jerking off a cucumber.
- Trump told Penn, “I think you’re much too old for a young woman.” And everyone choked on their tongues.
- Trump told Lou, “You want to be honest, and I want everybody to be honest, but
. You’re supposed to support–that’s not supporting your team.” So in other words, lie.
- Trump preceded the results of the task with this: “The executives from entertainment.com–who are terrific, and talented, and it’s a great company–loved both commercials.” I love when Trump lies. Remember when his actual friends used to be on the show rather than sponsors?
- Lisa Lampinelli, saying the kind of thing you should never say on a competition reality show, “Honey, I’m the only one out of us who’s completely safe.”
- Lou’s response was frequently unquotable, because it came in the form of facial expressions: the more irritated he seemed, the more his face would move around, kind of like a 90-year-old failing to subtly adjust his dentures.
- Responding to Trump’s critique of their casting, Lisa said, “I think it would have actually been kinda creepy to have someone who’s 56 years old with a 20-year-old girl in this context.” Trump said just, “Um.” Don Jr said, “Easy there, Lisa.”
- “Thank god you’re not my wife,” Lou told Lisa. Because–what? What would happen then? Jesus.
- “I’m a very truthful person, I like telling the truth, but I’m also somebody that’s very loyal,” Trump said. In other words, he lies. And he fired Lou for not lying, of all the things Lou has (not) done.
Next week: Puppets. YES.