How the Survivors would introduce themselves at the merge if they were honest

Survivor Nicaragua has reached its halfway point, and it’s time for the merge–and some insane stuff like theft, confessions, and a lack of consequences for one’s actions, which is clearly this season’s theme.

The merge means another new merged tribe name, although one that’s considerably less absurd than in the past (hello, Nobag), and also introductions to new people and re-introductions to old allies. It also means I’m tired of recapping episodes in the normal way, so instead, here’s a recap of introductions the Libertad tribe members would use if they were being completely honest with one another–and themselves.

Hi, I’m Alina, and I have no idea why everyone hates me and voted me out except that I joined in stealing food and supplies for no reason at all, and because the only thing that escapes my personality vacuum is my obvious intelligence and active strategy that makes everyone feel threatened.

Hi, I’m Brenda, and the editors forgot to make it look like I was running the game this week, and instead make me look a little ridiculous for bonding with NaOnka before she went off and stole food. But I’ve forgiven her because it works better with my endgame, which is apparently to surround myself with people playing horribly so the jury will have no choice to vote for me.

Hi, I’m Holly, and I can’t believe I’m still here, either. Since I have nothing to lose, I outed NaOnka’s theft of the flour, leading to one of the most incredible confrontations ever on this show. You’re welcome. I’m Holly.

Hi, I’m NaOnka, and I was acting perfectly normal and cool until someone ate the huge tortilla I made for myself and I decided to punish you for your selfishness that interrupted my selfishness so I stole a bunch of your stuff in plain sight of one person and then showed it to another person and then returned it all after my lie came tumbling down around me, and while I started to take the high road and apologize for my lie, I instead decided to make the lie even more elaborate and unbelievable because I am clearly nuts.

Hi, I’m Fabio, and though I’ve been branded as dumber than nearly everyone else on this show, and peed in your water, I’m actually smarter than most of you, and was the only one capable of challenging NaOnka on her ludicrous food-theft argument.

Hi, I’m Sash. Please help cover for all my game-play screw-ups and ignore my arrogance, and try not to giggle every time someone in my alliance says “the girls and Sash.”

Hi, I’m Marty, and I am the luckiest bastard around. I decided to “clear the air” at Tribal Council and admit that I’d vote for Jane because “you can’t write a better story” than the one she has. This was my strategy to deflect attention from myself but as usual I just attracted more attention, although somehow it keeps working.

Hi, I’m Jane, and I’m from North Carolina, don’t you know, and me and Chase get along because of that, and I lie him, and I hate Marty, and I hate Jill, and I’m bad-ass and can work out harder than most of you, even while I’m holding my shotgun in my teeth. I’m so bad-ass that after I won the immunity challenge everyone wanted us to believe was challenging I told Probst, heck, I’m-a stay in this and beat those young ‘uns, and that’s what I did, I lasted longer than every dog gone one of them. I didn’t even break my ty, ya’ll! Also, I like Chase, and I cooked me a fish, and I’m charming because I’m old and quirky so people forgive traits that they’d probably be irritated by in a younger player who behaved like me, and I hate Jill.

Hi, I’m Chase, and I have the ability to apparate, appearing magically when Alina was trying to get NaOnka to confess. I also apparate in and out of the game, sometimes seeming like I’m an integral part and other times making it seem like I’m off somewhere manscaping.

Hi, I’m a horrifically decomposing sea turtle carcass getting picked apart by vultures as a metaphor, although one that didn’t exactly get reflected in real life since the tribe didn’t pick at Marty at all.

Hi, I’m Dan, and that sea turtle’s body has more energy left in it than mine. Any challenge that requires me to exert the slightest bit of energy will make my body collapse. Please don’t make me walk up the steps to Tribal Council. Saying these words has exhausted me; please excuse me while I go nap. Wake me up next episode.

Hi, I’m Benry, and when you remembered I was here, you probably thought I was going to turn out to be interesting and smart, but that’s because you were just distracted by me in my boxer briefs, which you realized were about all I have going for me in this game when I voted out Alina by calling her a “100 percent, grade-A dirt squirrel.”

Howdy, I’m Jeff Probst, and I could be planning what insight I’ll share in my not-actually-a-blog column, but instead I’ll just wait until the week it’s due and recap the episode and use references to Maslow’s hierarchy of needs to disguise the fact that the world doesn’t need another poorly written Survivor recap, it needs super-clever meta-referencing shit like this post that’s really just mentioned Probst to rehash the same point again.

Hi, I’m Kelly. I’m actually here. Really. I’m just a freaky chameleon who looks like a completely different person in every shot that I’m actually included in.

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