Kristen, Hayden’s outed relationship causes drama

“They’ll know who I really am,” Kristen told Kathy sometime during last night’s episode of Big Brother 12. Who she is may still be a mystery, considering how many episodes Kristen has been absent from, but thankfully she’s here now, because the house needed some drama, and Kristen brings it.

First, it is extremely surreal to see this space on TV. Later today, I’ll publish the first of a multi-part series detailing my observations about the pseudo-house. But as with most sets–and it is a set, as I’ll discuss–it looks strangely different on TV.

For the first time that I can remember, the Sunday episode started with footage from during actual voting, when there was a fight that was sometimes audible in the Diary Room as everyone voted out Andrew. That was because “the worst thing that I could have ever imagine happened,” Kristen said. She was outed as a houseguest! And as a member of the second showmance.

Hayden and Kristen handled the lie well by flipping out during the voting and then after the HOH competition. “You’re full of shit, dude,” Hayden said in a low voice to Andrew; while commenting on this in the Diary Room, he was shouting, of course. “I don’t normally find myself in this kind of position,” Hayden said while fondling his nipples in the Diary Room. We beg to differ, because you do that all the time. At least he was funny, criticizing Rachel’s grammar by suggesting she try to “string a sentence together without using the word ‘like.'”

Kristen, meanwhile, rejected Rachel’s apology and said that Rachel is a “ho-bag” who is “straight-up jealous of me,” which makes little sense but is completely awesome. “It wasn’t heat of the moment and I don’t accept your apology,” she told Rachel, and called it “bullshit.” “WRONG MOVE, BEE-OTCH,” Rachel shouted in the Diary Rom. Overall, Rachel handled her HOH win and sudden upper-hand with as little class and intelligence as possible. When Kathy hugged Kristen and Hayden in the back yard, she flipped out.

The other houseguests reacted as one might expect. Ragan said, “I have been waiting a month for people to fight.” You and all of us. Lane said he was surprised to “find out they’re kissing cousins.” My assumption is that he says all of this stuff to be hilarious rather than be serious, because and I’ll lump in the shooting things with eyes stuff just because I don’t want that to be real. Matt, of course, was baffled by Rachel’s HOH win. “We cannot get these guys out of the house.” Here’s a strategy: The next time you have all the power, nominate them both! Then again, I’m not a genius. Also, I’m apparently missing a sense of humor, because I find nothing Matt says to be funny, even though he’s enamored with himself as he says things, like when he commented about his “Matt funk” during the challenge.

Meanwhile, it was time for the movie product placement reward competition , which works particularly well even for movies no one wants to see because you could show the houseguests footage of bread toasting and they’d laugh and cheer. The challenge wasn’t bad, an obstacle course that they had to run in teams of three while inside a plastic car. (By the way, this competition explains the origin of the plastic baton and handcuffs that were in Rachel’s room.)

Brendon’s team won, and so he looked forward to sucking her face off even more. “I’ve never gotten to make out with Rachel in a movie, so I’m pretty much looking forward to it,” Brendon said after winning. Everyone else was doing the same thing to Rachel except without, thankfully, the actual kissing. Britney even took a bubble bath with her, after previously feigning interest in her HOH room. Responding to the “Who wants to see my HOH room?” question, Britney answered for all of us: “Nobody! In fact, we’d rather hang ourselves.”

Ultimately, Rachel nominated Kristen and Hayden, although she had some apparent momentary doubts. I really, really hope Hayden and his shouting leave and a Kristen and her drama stay behind, because it’s just getting good.