Big Brother houseguests speak for us as they limp through another episode

I was so bored with Big Brother 12 last night that I debated just not writing anything today, and feel like I’m on the verge of abandoning the season. I don’t want some violent, bigoted confrontation to pull it out of its doldrums, nor do I want the producers to do even more meddling, but it needs something, and fast.

Anyway, instead of writing a recap, I thought I’d let the houseguests do it:

  • Matt: “Oh, HOH time. My favorite. It’s the time where I get to act like I care about things that I don’t care about.” Britney: “I kind of wanted to shoot myself in the face.” Coincidentally, that’s the way I felt about this episode and these Big Brother rituals–particularly the HOH reveal–which are increasingly tedious.
  • Enzo: “The brigade got hit with a grenade. … We fucked up letting Annie go home.” Matt: “We really did.” Brilliant to come to that conclusion now, guys. Your alliance really is on the ball.
  • Hayden, shamelessly and unsuccessfully flirting with Kristen by being cocky after she said she hates cocky guys: You are “so mysterious.” Kristen: “I’m a complicated person.” That we actually got to see Kristen talk was amazing, and while I wish “complicated” was code for something that’d be truly exciting, I fear it’s just a synonym for “boring.”
  • Hayden: “We might have to make some moves this week.” Unlike last week, when you were, like, the HOH, you moron.
  • Britney: “I am so freakin’ tired of just the majority of the people in this house right now. They’re all on my nerves; they’re all annoying me.” Ditto.
  • Rachel: “The entire yard is, like, hood. There’s graffiti, and. I felt like I was in the middle of Fresh Prince of Bel Air.” Kathy: “This looks like Sanford and Son.” And this feels like a very uncomfortable stereotype.
  • Britney, after being taped to a wall and then having her airway constricted as she slid down the wall and the tape wrapped around her neck: “The last thing I want to do is black out or die hanging on a wall for some freakin’ slop.” Welcome to Big Brother, where your health and physical safety are usually ignored because that’d take, you know, effort.
  • Andrew, after Annie appeared on the screen to tell everyone she’s the saboteur because apparently letting the mystery linger for a few days would have been entertaining: “I am not the saboteur!” But, for the record, still obnoxious.
  • Rachel to Hayden, the guy who nominated her for eviction: “You are the reason I’m here.” Rachel and Brendon to Hayden, the guy who nominated both of them for eviction last week: “We want to know if you’re on our side or not.” Me to Brendon and Rachel, who seemed to be the only chance of a counter-alliance: You suck at this game.
  • Enzo: “She couldn’t get past the meow meow.” And I can’t get past the fact that I am spending my Sunday evening listening to a grown man say that. When is Mad Men back so I can delete this nonsense from my DVR?

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