Big Brother houseguests speak for us as they limp through another episode

I was so bored with Big Brother 12 last night that I debated just not writing anything today, and feel like I’m on the verge of abandoning the season. I don’t want some violent, bigoted confrontation to pull it out of its doldrums, nor do I want the producers to do even more meddling, but it needs something, and fast.

Anyway, instead of writing a recap, I thought I’d let the houseguests do it:

  • Matt: “Oh, HOH time. My favorite. It’s the time where I get to act like I care about things that I don’t care about.” Britney: “I kind of wanted to shoot myself in the face.” Coincidentally, that’s the way I felt about this episode and these Big Brother rituals–particularly the HOH reveal–which are increasingly tedious.
  • Enzo: “The brigade got hit with a grenade. … We fucked up letting Annie go home.” Matt: “We really did.” Brilliant to come to that conclusion now, guys. Your alliance really is on the ball.
  • Hayden, shamelessly and unsuccessfully flirting with Kristen by being cocky after she said she hates cocky guys: You are “so mysterious.” Kristen: “I’m a complicated person.” That we actually got to see Kristen talk was amazing, and while I wish “complicated” was code for something that’d be truly exciting, I fear it’s just a synonym for “boring.”
  • Hayden: “We might have to make some moves this week.” Unlike last week, when you were, like, the HOH, you moron.
  • Britney: “I am so freakin’ tired of just the majority of the people in this house right now. They’re all on my nerves; they’re all annoying me.” Ditto.
  • Rachel: “The entire yard is, like, hood. There’s graffiti, and. I felt like I was in the middle of Fresh Prince of Bel Air.” Kathy: “This looks like Sanford and Son.” And this feels like a very uncomfortable stereotype.
  • Britney, after being taped to a wall and then having her airway constricted as she slid down the wall and the tape wrapped around her neck: “The last thing I want to do is black out or die hanging on a wall for some freakin’ slop.” Welcome to Big Brother, where your health and physical safety are usually ignored because that’d take, you know, effort.
  • Andrew, after Annie appeared on the screen to tell everyone she’s the saboteur because apparently letting the mystery linger for a few days would have been entertaining: “I am not the saboteur!” But, for the record, still obnoxious.
  • Rachel to Hayden, the guy who nominated her for eviction: “You are the reason I’m here.” Rachel and Brendon to Hayden, the guy who nominated both of them for eviction last week: “We want to know if you’re on our side or not.” Me to Brendon and Rachel, who seemed to be the only chance of a counter-alliance: You suck at this game.
  • Enzo: “She couldn’t get past the meow meow.” And I can’t get past the fact that I am spending my Sunday evening listening to a grown man say that. When is Mad Men back so I can delete this nonsense from my DVR?

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about the writer

Andy Dehnart is a journalist who has covered reality television for more than 15 years and created reality blurred in 2000. A member of the Television Critics Association, his writing and criticism about television, culture, and media has appeared on NPR and in Playboy, Buzzfeed, and many other publications. Andy, 36, also directs the journalism program at Stetson University in Florida, where he teaches creative nonfiction and journalism. He has an M.F.A. in nonfiction writing and literature from Bennington College. More about reality blurred and Andy.