Big Brother house breaks down in tears, hypocrisy, self-nomination stupidity

The psychological pressure of being trapped in a badly decorated soundstage house has apparently started to affect the Big Brother 12 houseguests’ already fragile, soft, tiny brains. They’ve lost their ability to be self-aware, not that they were introspective to begin with. Besides the fact that they all started using the term “backdoor” without understanding it (it’s a strategy that starts when you nominate pawns who will hopefully win the veto so one of them can be replaced with the backdoored nominee who will have no chance of saving themselves), there were also other acts of brilliance including a self-nomination and a lot of moping.

For the entire 44 minutes, basically every single person did pretty much the same thing every time they were on screen. So I’ll summarize the episode by summarizing what I heard them say. (These aren’t, for the most part, direct quotes.)

Monet: I want to punch Rachel, I want to slap her; I’ve never said anything mean about that stupid hooker, and she’s jealous of me and stares at me and says things about me just like I do to her. Also I know 60 times 60 is 1200 because I am a smarter than that dumb bitch.

Britney: I don’t care that I was nominated but I’m sad because this is stupid, don’t talk to me, I need five minutes to cry, but I don’t care. Leave me alone, I’m fine. I don’t have any alliances except my alliance with Monet, nor do I have any insults except those that are about strippers.

Kathy: Why’s everyone so sad? Where am I?

Lane: If someone goes off the block one of us will have to go up on the block. Now we have to think. Uh.

Hayden: THE BRIGADE AND MY NIPPLES ARE SAFE. I AM SO GLAD. OH NO NOW WE ARE NOT SAFE. I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO EXCEPT GRABBING MY CHEST AND THRUSTING MY LOWER JAW TOWARD YOU AS I ROCK BACK AND FORTH AND SCAN THE ROOM WITH MY EYES. OH MY GOD I CAN’T SEE TURN ON THE LIGHTS. WAIT, MY HAIR WAS JUST IN THE WAY.

Rachel: I feel so bad about nominating the people who made me feel bad last week, and I don’t want them to go home and I feel bad cry cry cry.

Brendan: One or two words kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss pouty face.

Matt: I’m going to lie and tell everyone my wife has a real disease, melorheostosis, because I’m an awful person and because there’s no reason at all to do that, and all the sympathy that I generate will get me very far, which is good because since I spent all this time generating this stupid fucking strategy I didn’t have time to think about anything else so I nominated myself, but everyone in my alliance will love me because I’ve just put our alliance at risk.

Ragan: I am gullible and will vote for Matt to win because he is so selfless, staying away from his sick wife for a chance at $500,000 minus taxes, a really rational way to deal with illness.

Andrew: I am a podiatrist–I mean, a real doctor–and I have never heard of this disease and because I am a doctor and have memorized the names of every disease ever, I know Matt is lying about the disease he did not actually make up. Did I mention I’m a real doctor?

Kristen:

Producers: We temporarily ran out of fluid to ejaculate on the contestants so we’re just going to get out our S&M gear and call that the veto competition as we slap them in the faces for an hour.

Enzo: Meow meow, Henrietta Pussycat, it takes me 14 seconds to bang my meow meow, meow meow. Yes, I will say “meow meow” all summer until someone neuters me.

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about the writer

Andy Dehnart is a journalist who has covered reality television for more than 15 years and created reality blurred in 2000. A member of the Television Critics Association, his writing and criticism about television, culture, and media has appeared on NPR and in Playboy, Buzzfeed, and many other publications. Andy, 36, also directs the journalism program at Stetson University in Florida, where he teaches creative nonfiction and journalism. He has an M.F.A. in nonfiction writing and literature from Bennington College. More about reality blurred and Andy.