Big Brother houseguests make out, mangle words, and zzzzzzzzzzzz

Despite the producers’ actions as “the saboteur,” Big Brother 12 limped through its third episode, with only misspellings and glops of white goo hitting people in the face to sustain interest and prevent me from falling asleep.

Basically, the house needs a counter-alliance, and fast. No one’s really willing to upset or challenge the balance of power, which right now is dominated by the quasi-secret alliance of the mouthbreahing men. They are very proud that they have targeted Brendon and Rachel, but because this is week one, there is no reason to care. In fact, they are among the most annoying people, so I’d only really care if Enzo was on the block.

Hayden, who really needs to wear a shirt in the diary room, acts as if it will be the end of the world if they don’t get evicted: “We gotta get one of them, outta the house!” And we gotta get you to stop shouting every word, dude. His passion doesn’t make much sense; Brendon is smart, sure, but not some genius.

For evidence of that, look no further than the way he dealt with being upset (“it’s hard for me to deal with ignorant people, I swear to god”) at being targeted: He isolated himself with the person everyone thinks he’s aligned with, Rachel, and made out with her in the hammock under a blanket while everyone watched from the kitchen and shrieked. The last thing I needed was that tinny audio with kissing noises, which was so super-gross I started dry heaving. “I feel like a 12 year old little girl right now,” Rachel said, and my heaves ceased being dry.

The first veto competition at least gave us something else to watch, but it was, um, pinatas full of alleged rotten mayonnaise and letters, with which they had to spell a word after letting their mayo erupt all over the non-playing houseguests, because someone on the challenge staff really has a fetish for challenges coming on people. Anyway, there was no question Brendon would win because he seemed like the only person who can spell, but as it turned out, everyone spelled their words right except Andrew, who insisted he threw the competition so as to not seem suspicious, when of course that just made him seem suspicious.

Speaking of Andrew, he may be a foot doctor, but he’s pretty much only good at shoving his foot into his mouth. After the producers–er, saboteur–gave another message about two houseguests in the house knowing each other (saving that gem for my eventual rant about the saboteur), he jumped up and announced something about why he’s not the saboteur, explaining to us that he was “trying to make it obvious that I’m not the saboteur.” Try a different tactic, like shutting up. Maybe permanently?

Anyway, Brendon won the veto with “understanding,” and showed none by getting off on the power: “either Hayden’s with me, or he’s against me.” Sigh. He vetoed his nomination and mouthbreather-in-chief Hayden nominated Annie, who he learned/is convinced is also an ally of the alliance that he is convinced is a huge threat. Enzo, talking with his mouth full because he’s disgusting, insisted they should “backdoor Annie,” because he doesn’t know what that means.

The greatest fun in the episode came from Lane, who said, “I do not appreciate getting hit in the face with dairy.” Also, Lane made up words throughout the episode, or used them incorrectly, from “dramatizing” to “perfecter.” Britney did, too, saying that after stirring things up with Annie, “I get off scotch free.”

Tonight, Julie Chen hosts her first live challenge, which is always a trip and a half, and we learn the identity of the saboteur. I’ll bet myself a quarter that the saboteur is Kristen because we never, ever, ever, ever, never see her except when everyone’s at the couches hearing from the saboteur. I’m not even convinced she’s really in the house.

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about the writer

Andy Dehnart is a journalist who has covered reality television for more than 15 years and created reality blurred in 2000. A member of the Television Critics Association, his writing and criticism about television, culture, and media has appeared on NPR and in Playboy, Buzzfeed, and many other publications. Andy, 36, also directs the journalism program at Stetson University in Florida, where he teaches creative nonfiction and journalism. He has an M.F.A. in nonfiction writing and literature from Bennington College. More about reality blurred and Andy.