Caite Upton finally got what she’s always wanted: She got to U-Turn Brandy and Carol, or “the lesbians” as her tiny brain always defines them, and thus send them home. Caite literally said “that’s all I want,” which is ridiculous, but hopefully means she and Brent can give up and go home and not reproduce next week.
This outcome was evident throughout the episode during the post-pit stop interviews: Brent and Caite were as happy as two stupid people can be, and Carol was teary and had bloodshot eyes while Brandy was doing her over-the-top, compensate-with-humor thing.
Earlier, when Caite repeated her desire to get rid of the dating couple on a train, Jordan asked, “because they’re lesbians, is that what you said?” Brent protested, “Noooo! They’re mean to her.” And Caite said, “They’re so mean to me!” Poor babies. It’s so tough when people are meanies. A flashback showed the most notable example we’ve seen, which was actually when another team told Caite that Carol and Brandy were mocking her; I can’t recall them mocking Caite to her face, though I wish they had. And of course, Carol and Brandy have made fun of Caite frequently, but let’s be fair: Who in America who’s seen Caite’s performance has not made fun of that moron?
While this conflict took down a team, it actually didn’t dominate the leg, thankfully, and the episode was actually pretty great despite having a Roadblock involving counting and an easy final challenge that wasn’t a challenge at all. My biggest gripe was all this was with the now-weekly equalizer, which makes it possible for morons like Brent and Caite to be successful because their past screw-ups are eliminated every week.
- “That would be funny if Caite is the only girl left after all the shit she gets,” Brent said. Well, she’s the only girl left and it’s not funny, but since he thinks Caite is smart, I certainly don’t expect him to understand humor.
- On the train to Singapore, which had a sleeper car and beds for the teams, Dan said, “hello, disinfectant wipes” and started cleaning. When they arrived, he said, “it’s my kind of city. Super-clean.” Dan: tearing down sterotypes one wipe at a time.
- Brandy and Carol tried to move to the front of the train so they could get off first, and Mike said they picked the “wrong crew to bully.” Um, what? Bully? Then Brent said, “ladies get their way, bitches don’t.” What about dicks?
- On the way out of the train station, Caite fell spectacularly down some stairs. She was totally fine, though, because her empty head acts like an air bag.
- At the Detour, Carol and Brandy opted to learn a drum routine, and their very young teacher went ridiculously fast. “He’s smoking crack,” Brandy said, and then they switched to a different teacher. Mike and Louie bailed on their kid teacher, and Mike said, “thank you, my friend; we’re off like a prom dress.”
- Dan and Jordan went for the Fast Forward, which was atop the Singapore Flyer, the “tallest observation wheel in the world,” Phil explained. At a height of 541 feet, they had to crawl across a ladder to the other side. This was actually physically pretty easy, but was intense for the team and for us because, as Jordan told Dan, “So maybe now’s a good time to tell you that I’ve just discovery I have an intense fear of heights.” He said later, “I don’t know what to do, bro. I’m so scared.” Let’s start with not using the word “bro” any more, and then we can deal with your fear of heights.
- As Jordan crawled across, Dan said, “Come on baby.” Okay, never mind; “bro” it is.
- Jordan talked himself across, though, and said, “I’m just surprised I didn’t pee myself.” And anyone standing 541 feet below, don’t forget them.
- Mike and Louie decided to try for the Fast Forward, but weren’t told it was being attempted until they took an elevator, wasting a lot of time and adding some drama. Once they got outside, they found their cab empty. “Our cab driver took a potty break here,” Mike said.
- Carol and Brandy finished the drum challenge, and discovered that they’d been U-Turned, and magically, it was not an anonymous U-Turn this time (gee, I wonder why the producers changed it?). Brandy said, “It’s flat-out stupid, but let’s be honest, she hasn’t built a career on intelligence.” Carol said, “She’s an idiot; she’s on YouTube to prove it.” And now on CBS.
- Brandy did a fairly amusing impression of Brent that ended with, “Let’s run, Caite, run. It’s Brent and Caite Gump.”
- Mike explained what really happened with the U-Turn: “we had everyone convinced that Carol and Brandy were a bigger threat than us,” he said, and it’s true: they’ve come in first three times, and Carol and Brandy never had. I have to hand it to them: that’s kind of a smart strategy, using two loathsome simpletons to do your dirty work.
- Naturally, when forced to do the ice cream sandwich selling task, Carol freaked out and lashed out, which is what she does when she’s stressed. While they aren’t my favorite team ever, I don’t actively dislike them, in part because they get over those freak-out moments really quickly, and in part because they ripped Brent and Caite constantly.
- After being Phileminated, Carol said, “I think there will be a point in the not-too-distant future we can get over the stupidity of today and just enjoy the richness of the experience, and I’ll translate that into first-grader language for Brent and Caite.” First grade? Even in defeat, Carol gave them a lot more credit than they deserve.