Jesse James being filmed for Celebrity Rehab and his own VH1 dating show

This satirical, fictional story is part of the April 1, 2010, edition of reality blurred. Happy April Fool’s Day.

Former Celebrity Apprentice contestant and Sandra Bullock’s husband Jesse James has checked into treatment, and it turns out that’s actually the Pasadena Recovery Center, where Dr. Drew Pinsky will help him recover from his addiction and rehabilitate his image on Celebrity Rehab 4.

Having worked with Keri Ann Peniche, Dr. Drew said he can juggle the needs of an addict, a television production, and a quasi-celebrity’s childish demands for more attention, which he does by enabling the addict so he or she can enable the producers to get better footage, and thus ensure future seasons of the show for Dr. Drew.

During a three-hour period every afternoon, Jesse James will go to a nearby soundstage to film Jesse James is Nazi in Love with You, a dating show during which he will date a group of women like every other VH1 series, although he will simultaneously secretly date from a pool of far less attractive and desirable women for no apparent reason. The final three from each group will face off in challenges, such as a game that asks them to guess whether a close-up picture is one of “white power” or a “wet pussy.”

Producers for 51 Minds are also recruiting on Facebook by watching TV, because new Facebook privacy settings mean that users’ news feeds–which include their relationship updates, fan page memberships, comments where they wittily write “unlike!”, and photos of their drunken experimental makeout sessions–are now being broadcast as part of the scroll on cable news stations, who do not have enough actual news to fill that space and sufficiently make their viewers even more anxious and thus dependent upon the channel to feed their anxiety and paranoia.

Producers have also been actively scouring prison work release programs and sex offender lists to find cast members, and aren’t concerned about potential problems. “As long as our cast members murder someone after the show, we don’t care. Although during the show might help our ratings,” a source said.

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