Jake picks Vienna for their “magical spark”; Ali Fedotowsky is the next Bachelorette

As spoilers correctly identified, The Bachelor 14 ended with Jake Pavelka selecting Vienna Giraldi, proposing to her. He rejected Tenley Molzahn, who took the news better than any rejected man or woman has on this series, especially considering how controversial her competition was.

The other not-quite-shocking news of the night was that the sixth Bachelorette will be Ali Fedotowsky, as was reported. Apparently, her job with Facebook can wait–or maybe she’ll bail in the middle of that show to go back to work, leaving all of the men to make out with each other.

Although the two-hour finale and one-hour reunion were absurdly padded, thanks to Jake’s amusing verbalization of his feelings and Vienna’s presence on the show, there were some things worthy of mocking:

  • “This isn’t supposed to happen. You’re not supposed to be in love with two women at the same time,” Jake told us early on, as if that was the most absurd part of the whole process.
  • Jake’s mother awesomely asked Jake if Vienna is “the girl everybody didn’t like? Because sometimes there’s something to that, Jake.”
  • After meeting Tenley, Jake’s mom revealed that “Tenley touched me,” which seems super-inappropriate.
  • “I definitely felt sparks when I dived into the pool with Tenley today,” Jake said. Apparently, that was his cell phone in his pocket shorting out, because those sparks didn’t lead to anything.
  • “I want them to see the Vienna I’ve fallen in love with,” Jake told us. But can you show that on TV at 8:23 ET?
  • “She’s got a lot to live up to after our time with Tenley,” Jake’s sister-in-law said. If they’d met them in reverse, she would have said, “Well, as long as she’s breathing and isn’t a registered sex offender, Tenley will be fine with me.”
  • Vienna started to talk about “when Jake touches me” and “when Jake was and rubbing mud all over my body,” which was actually when viewers were rubbing mud in our eyes.
  • “I know for a fact now that you can be in love with more than one person, because I am,” Jake said. And then he announced that Big Love is his favorite show and Bill Henrickson is his hero.
  • As if we were three-year-olds, Jake explained, “An engagement ring is a promise between two people that they’re going to be together forever.” And a wedding ring is a promise that Us Weekly will be covering your divorce in six months.
  • At least, the big moment came, and Tenley was up first. “I’m more than positive that my new life with Jake begins today,” Tenley said. And I’m positive you’re about to bawl.
  • Jake cried to Tenley, “I do love you, and you’re just perfect as you are.” But GO AWAY PERFECT PERSON.
  • “Something just doesn’t feel right. I don’t know why,” Jake told her. Yes, it doesn’t feel right that you’re selecting Vienna over Tenley, who you’ve been gushing about for weeks.
  • “Thank you for making me feel special,” Tenley told Jake, which was actually really nice and functional and all together. Is it possible to like Tenley more?
  • As he walked her to the limo of shame, Jake kept explaining, saying, “There is some part of me that is not coming naturally.” Based on all the frightening pharmaceutical ads I’ve been watching tonight, if you’re on some medication, that may be a side effect.
  • Once Vienna showed up, Jake either tried to fake Vienna or genuinely did something weird. “There’s something you need to have,” he told Vienna. “It’s a promise from your father and a promise to your father. I didn’t understand the meaning of this.” He gave the ring back to her as she looked crushed, and said, “You need to have this. I think it’s important.” Yes, that’s why she gave it to you, blockhead.
  • When he finally proposed to Vienna, Jake followed all social conventions and got down on one knee and opened the ring box so the product placed name of the jeweler was visible to the camera.
  • There was a weird montage of Vienna and Jake together set to “On the Wings of Love” that was, I think, supposed to erase our bad memories of Vienna.
  • More than two hours later, it was time for the reunion. The After the Final Rose set was the same set they used for The Women Tell All. Clearly, they were taped at the same time, and clearly, the producers think we have no short-term or long-term memory at all, which was evident when they showed us an extended clip of footage of Tenley’s rejection, which aired just a few minutes earlier.
  • Chris Harrison asked Tenley, “What hurts the most?” And how can I metaphorically grind those pieces of glass into your heart even more?
  • Tenley told Jake, “I don’t understand what was missing. You just weren’t able to put it into words.” Uh, haven’t you been dating Jake? He can’t put anything into words beyond his own name.
  • Tenley told Jake, “I am relieved that I wasn’t her if you feeling that much passion about both of us,” and the audience clapped, maybe just at the part about Tenley not being Vienna.
  • “I have so much hope,” Tenley said, and Chris told her, “You’re one of the nicest, sweetest women we’ve ever had on the show.” And now, get the hell off the couch so we can bring Vienna out.
  • According to a promo, next Monday’s wedding featuring Jason and Molly wedding will be the culmination of “the greatest love story of the year.” Really? I actually took ABC’s bullshit sensational Bachelor promos seriously. Really?
  • Jake said, “Vienna’s my baby,” and the audience cooed, right before he said “I have never had this much heat in a relationship.” Relationships with babies shouldn’t have heat.
  • Jake said he was going to “date out of my comfort zone,” and instead he ended up getting engaged outside our comfort zone. Bachelor fail.
  • “You really learn how to communicate well,” Jake said about his time on the show. “Well” isn’t quite the word I’d use.
  • “It’s almost controversial that you’ve chosen her,” Chris Harrison said, weeks before Jake’s choice became public. How does he know it’s going to be controversial? Oh, because you, Mike Fleiss, and your editors have edited Vienna into resembling a freakish Floridian swamp ape.
  • “You only get one first time,” Jake said about his nerves in proposing. Luckily, since he met Vienna on The Bachelor, he’ll have at least a second time, sometime after the first time they break off the engagement.
  • “The tabloids, the media, even some of the fans have not been kind to you,” Chris Harrison said. Gee, I wonder why they would have a distorted perspective of Vienna, you disingenuous assclown.
  • “But wait, there’s more,” Chris Harrison told Vienna and Jake after he said they would receive a trip back to the resort on St. Lucia where they got engaged. The surprise: Tenley’s going too! No, actually, Jeffrey Osborne showed up to sing “On the Wings of Love,” and I felt like I was watching a 1980s sit-com’s theme song or montage, except since I was watching Jake and Vienna dance, there was all kinds of barf on my lap.

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