Russell and Jeff fight before Russell leaves and Julie Chen teases a new twist

One theme from Thursday’s Big Brother episode: this is a house full of morons. Mostly, that was evident in their language, which was even more illiterate than usual, from Jeff screaming at Russell, “you got got” to Natalie mentioning the “highs and the downs” to Russell telling Kevin to “marinate on it.” Jeff also said, “I’ve came a long way.” Not with Jordan!

Anyway, as fallout for Jeff’s nomination of Russell, the two fought, and by now I’m so fatigued that I could barely care, especially because Russell was back in sane mode when he got evicted, praising everyone else and saying that his assholishness was strategy before he hugged them all goodbye. “Personal attacks are part of the game,” he said, and “you guys are all amazing.”

But the two threatened each other, starting with Russell saying that if Jeff joined him in the jury house, “I will mop your face all up and down that ground, and I mean it.” Jeff countered, “I will lose $500 dollars and bust you right in the mouth if you talk to me like that again,” adding, “I will knock you the fuck out.” Then the fight turned intellectual, as Jeff said, “You got got. You got got” over and over, while Russell went after Jordan who injected herself into the conflict. “You think I’m fucking scared of you?” Jordan screamed while slamming her body against Russell’s as he called her “the little fatty” and a “lapdog” and barked. Because Natalie hates to be left out (just like every 18 year old! she’s 18!), she said to no one in particular, “You keep Russell here, I’ll stab you in the heart.”

It was kind of a relief to get footage of Jessie in the jury house, where he said, “I’m getting ridiculously jacked and tanned. Again.” I just don’t even know where to start with him. Watching a video of the competitions inside the house, Jessie condescendingly said, “nice unitard” to Lydia, and literally the asshole was wearing fluorescent pink spandex pants that went to his knees and had black stars all over them. Although Lydia threatened to be all mad, when she got to the jury house, she hugged him and said she was “so freaking mad” while humping him and pretend punching him, as he said, “I’m ridiculously jacked and tanned.”

By the way, Jessie watched footage of Chima’s eviction, and when Natalie and Lydia fished Chima’s mic out of the hot tub and concocted their ridiculous story about it falling out of Chima’s hand, Jessie said, mockingly, “it fell out of your hand!” You know when Jessie thinks your logic doesn’t make sense, you’re beyond stupid.

The HOH competition is a quasi-endurance competition recycled from last year except with a theme that makes no sense. It’s supposed to be about s’mores, so they’re running across a track made from slippery graham crackers (if your graham cracker is slippery, something is very wrong), carrying mugs of popular s’more ingredient hot chocolate, because–seriously, why do I even bother to try to think about this?

Clearly, none of the producers did, since the goal is to take as many trips as necessary to fill a 16-gallon container, which Julie Chen said would take four miles of walking back and forth with no spills. And just to make them more likely to spill, the houseguests are having their cups refilled with a helpful overhead sprinkler that’s spraying hot chocolate. Are they just kidding with this shit? Did anyone stop and think, “If we wet the already-slick course with an overhead sprinkler, it might actually cause the competition to take less time and be easier.”

Anyway, the person who won–highlight to read! Kevin –will have their game affected by what Julie Chen teased is “a new twist to the HOH that could impact everyone. The secret lies behind this door,” she said, showing a door with a giant question mark on it that’s in the HOH room.

I hope it’s a shortcut to the end of the season.

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