Clint Black masturbates with laundry detergent, Khloe Kardashian punished for DUI on crazy Apprentice

Holy shit, what an episode of The Celebrity Apprentice 2: Clint Black pretended to masturbate with All laundry detergent and pissed off Joan Rivers so much she’ll throw away his CDs; Donald Trump ripped Khloe Kardashian for her DUI and fired her, saying she’d never have been on the show if he’d known about it in the first place; the celebrities stared at Trump blankly when he referenced a second-season contestant; Trump fired T-Boz for absolutely no reason; and executives from the company that paid for product placement watched in horror at what the celebs had done to their super-conservative brand of detergent — that Clint Black jerked off with.

Top that, Dancing with the Stars.

And that was just the start of an episode (watch it online) that featured everything from Joan Rivers giving the QVC product number for her earrings to Melissa Rivers jumping to her mother’s defense in the boardroom even though she had absolutely no idea what happened, and then criticizing her mom which led Trump to pretend to fire Joan.

Donald Trump’s actual decision making has got to be the craziest judging on reality television, and that includes Gordon Ramsay’s “keep the morons, get rid of the normal ones” strategy on Hell’s Kitchen. Trump’s decisions might be the modern equivalent of that idiot Dr. Sean’s nutty voting method from the first season of Survivor, when he voted for people in alphabetic order, but at least that involved a system.

After both teams lost, Trump decided to fire two people, but ended up firing two people for reasons completely unrelated to the task. Trump told Khloe Kardashian, “I hate people that drive under the influence,” which translates directly to, I hate you. He said, “I didn’t know this, but you told me. Nobody from the staff told me. If I had known that you were missing time away from the task for your DUI, you would have never been on the show. I think it’s a terrible thing, and after seeing what happened to Dennis last week, I can’t sit here and do nothing,” Trump said, and fired her, but then gave $20,000 to her charity “because they shouldn’t suffer because of a mistake you made.”

While it’s about time someone yelled at a Kardashian, Khloe seemed railroaded, and I wonder if his lecture won’t actually engender some sympathy for her.

Before that, Trump gave an even more ridiculous reason for firing Tionne “T-Boz” Watkins, which came after he asked anyone if they’d heard of Bradford from season two. Crickets chirped, and then Trump said, “So Teone, you volunteered to come back, so you’re fired. … Never volunteer for execution, and if you would have seen Bradford, you would have understood.”

But I remember Bradford and I don’t understand, because that was an entirely different scenario: Bradford gave up immunity before knowing that his team lost. He did not volunteer to go back into the boardroom, but his smart teammate took him back in, where Trump fired him for giving up immunity.

Neither was responsible for anything related to the task and the colossal fuck-ups, but I have no idea why Trump’s utter irrationality is bothering me now, considering how much that has defined the series along with the pouty face he makes at the end of most episodes while he convinces himself that he “had no choice.”

Clint Black absolutely deserved to be fired considering his alleged viral video for All detergent that was basically soft-core porn, and ended with Clint telling an underwear-wearing model/actress, “it was a small load; I did it by hand.” He was lying in his actual hotel room bed after just having apparently masturbated (who even thinks of doing that with laundry detergent?) and was reading Trump’s book Trump: Think Like a Billionaire: Everything You Need to Know About Success, Real Estate, and Life, which perhaps gets him off.

The best part of the video was Donald Trump saying that he “hated that you had a woman on and it was almost like a porn deal” but also saying he wanted the lingerie-clad actress from the video to come to the boardroom to walk up and down the boardroom table–like a stripper, basically. And that was after he told Joan Rivers that “I’ve known you so many years, you’ve never dropped to your knees for anyone, that I know of,” and she said, “my career could have been bigger.”

Clint basically made the video by himself after shutting out his team, which made Joan Rivers apoplectic. “I’m so mad I’m going to knock his damn hat off,” she said, and later said in the boardroom, “I liked Clint; I hope I never see Clint again. If he comes down a red carpet, I will turn my back. I’m taking every CD and throwing it out of my house. I’m taking this very personally.”

The other team produced a much funnier, far more entertaining video in which Jesse James pretended to make a bad commercial, and then was attacked/washed by three little people dressed up as All detergent bottles. The real problem seemed to be that at the end, the three men pretended to walk off in anger, swearing, and that didn’t fit with All’s brand image. Trump said it was “demeaning of the little people” and had “really foul language,” and also asked the team, “do you think that was offensive to a large group in our population,” apparently not making a joke.

The All executives were horrified, and apparently to get something out of their product placement, the show had Joan and Melissa create new videos that are now on the company’s web site.

Who thought that with intervention-requiring Dennis Rodman fired the show would get even better?

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about the writer

Andy Dehnart is a journalist who has covered reality television for more than 15 years and created reality blurred in 2000. A member of the Television Critics Association, his writing and criticism about television, culture, and media has appeared on NPR and in Playboy, Buzzfeed, and many other publications. Andy, 36, also directs the journalism program at Stetson University in Florida, where he teaches creative nonfiction and journalism. He has an M.F.A. in nonfiction writing and literature from Bennington College. More about reality blurred and Andy.