Teams karaoke with cross-dressers, leave their bags behind in Thailand

Although The Amazing Race 14‘s time in Thailand was relatively uncomplicated–a Roadblock, a boat ride, a Detour, and the pit stop–it was crazy, from fitting dentures into old people’s mouths to singing karaoke with ladyboys, never mind the magical appearance of two-hour penalties.

  • This week, teams traveled from Phuket to Bangkok, and the third grader in me laughed.
  • Jaime finally admitted what we’ve known for a while: “The language barrier really aggravates me and frustrates me, and I become a lunatic. And there’s nothing I can do to stop it. It’s like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde,” she said. Then she yelled at a group of men and a cop, who did not shoot her in the kneecap, and insisted that her communication went “pretty well.”
  • Moments later, Jaime told us, “I call dogs ‘doogies.'” And the idiot wonders why there’s a language barrier.
  • Victor must have pissed Tammy off, because she revealed to us that “Victor’s propeller didn’t work.”
  • Riding in a boat, Victor waved like a child at monks crossing a bridge, and screamed, “Hey! That’s so cool.” Sigh.
  • “I can’t handle you,” Jaime told a cab driver. It’s amazing how much her responses to locals parallels my responses to her.
  • “It’s Mai Thai Trannies,” Tammy said when they started their Detour task, which was essentially singing karaoke as the taxi drove five miles with the team and three passengers, several of whom were apparently ladyboys, although that was never confirmed.
  • A parrot sitting on the local greeter’s shoulder said, “hello.” That would have been amazing if I hadn’t seen someone playing a nose flute at the pit stop a few short weeks ago. But now I need a nose flute-playing parrot to entertain me.
  • If you’re on The Amazing Race and when you arrive at the mat, Phil says “to arrive”–as in, “you are the third team to arrive”–it’s time to pee your pants. This time, he told Kisha and Jen that, as they, “You need to go back and get your travel documents before I can check you in.” They had to go all the way back to the boat dock where they’d (stupidly) left their gear, including their passports.
  • “That’s like waking up and putting my clothes on in the morning. It’s second nature,” Mark said about karaoke with transvestites, which was almost as funny as when Mike called their taxi companions “pretty local girls, actually.” Thus came the famous TAR “uh oh” musical cue, which in this case translated to, “they have penises, you idiot.”
  • After traveling back to the boat dock for their bags, Mark and Mike managed to make it to the mat before Kisha and Jen. But lo! Phil said “to arrive,” and informed them that they “broke a race rule by using … personal possessions to settle a bill.” For that, they got a four-hour penalty, two hours for each infraction. WTF? How the flipping hell is that penalty worth two hours when screwing with other teams and getting directions was worth just 30 minutes and thus caused Mel and Mike to be eliminated?
  • After Jen and Kisha arrived, Phil checked Mark and Mike in after three hours and 10 minutes, which seemed to mean it was pointless to let them ride out the rest of their penalty. But no! The bastards were saved by a nonelimination leg, although Phil said the remaining penalty would be added to their start time. Trying to defend themselves, Mike said, “In the land of Buddah, I didn’t want to create bad karma.” The only response necessary was the evil look from Phil.
  • Next week, big-time drama as Jen and Luke get into two physical confrontations going after clues, leading Jen to call Luke a “bitch.” And the claws come out.