NBC gets $2 billion bailout as part of stimulus

This satirical, fictional story is part of the April 1, 2009, edition of reality blurred.

Fourth-place broadcast network NBC will essentially be bailed out by the federal government when it receives $2 billion in cash from the stimulus package, according to reports, and will use some of that money to relaunch failed reality series.

Unlike General Motors, NBC produces some quality products that people actually want to consume, like The Office and 30 Rock, but it has fumbled repeatedly as it attempts to appeal to a wider audience, like those people who want their comedy with fewer facial expressions, no ironic references, and more jokes that highlight the differences between men and women.

“The money will allow us to stay afloat while we spend hours trying to figure out why viewers of The Office didn’t respond to creatively rich series such as Celebrity Circus or Knight Rider,” an NBC executive said. “Now, we’ll have the luxury to try again. We’re also going to spend a few years studying the U.S. airline industry and Facebook model of developing a quality product people love and then taking away everything they liked about it in order to increase revenue and brand loyalty.” The network plans to remove its shows from Hulu and stop producing DVDs in order to force people to watch shows on TV that they wouldn’t ever have discovered if it wasn’t for Hulu and DVDs.

Besides resuscitating their own failed series and copying their successful ones to dilute the value of the originals, NBC will use its stimulus money to stimulate other networks by purchasing failed series from them–like ABC’s short-lived I’m a Celebrity … Get Me Out of Here–and broadcast those. “Sometimes, it’s okay to reach into the trash can and grab a discarded cookie, as long as it hasn’t touched other cookies or the hair from Donald Trump’s drain,” a source said.

Some of the cash will be used to put Jay Leno–whose brand of non-funny humor appeals to a wide audience of people who like their local NBC affiliate’s news but don’t know how to use their remotes–on not just every night of the week from 10 to 11 p.m., as previously announced, but also from 8 to 10 p.m. on nights when NBC faces competition from other networks’ shows that get more attention from Entertainment Weekly.

Part of agreement with the federal government includes a provision that money from the stimulus package will be used to buy product placement on the new three-hour, two-night, “fat ass” edition of The Biggest Loser, which will advertise the United States of America and any subsidiaries the U.S. acquires, from banks to airlines. Administration officials said they particularly liked the way the reality competition gives people hope through commercials.