Bachelorette replaces Jillian with Melissa, who will also appear on Extreme Makeover

This satirical, fictional story is part of the April 1, 2009, edition of reality blurred.

The Bachelorette 5‘s announced star, Jillian Harris, will be replaced by Melissa Rycroft, who’s now appearing on Dancing with the Stars 8, according to a press release that was e.mailed to a trade newspaper reporter hours before it was released to other media in order to allow that reporter to write an exclusive story complete with quotations written by a publicist.

That will happen on the show’s first episode, when Jillian will be blindsided after she shows up to the mansion to meet the 35 telegenic men selected at random from Cragislist ads posted by desperate casting agents who couldn’t get bloggers to post them for free. “Jillian has only had the opportunity to be dumped once, so we wanted to make sure she got the full Bachelor experience,” a source close to the production said.

Melissa will appear on the show even though she’s in a post-Jason relationship, but the source said producers have promised her that “all the men are actually gay, and have perfected being closeted on TV by previously appearing on American Idol.”

Melissa will also appear on a future episode of Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, where her house will be bulldozed and replaced by a new mansion filled with Sears appliances, which ABC research has shown alleviates depression in people. The show will replay footage of her dumping set to sad music. “Reality TV-constructed heartache is so much more relatable than terminal illness,” the production source said.

“These appearances have nothing at all to do with the way we used Melissa to give us The Bachelor’s highest-ratings ever and are now trying to simultaneously capitalize on it and placate her so she doesn’t run us down,” an ABC executive said. “At ABC, we have trouble finding compelling reality stars who will put up with our general incompetence, so we must take advantage of them when we find them.”

Melissa is also scheduled to appear on ABC’s Wipeout sometime this summer, where in a special revenge edition, the big red balls will be replaced by Jason Mesnick’s testicles.

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about the writer

Andy Dehnart is a journalist who has covered reality television for more than 15 years and created reality blurred in 2000. A member of the Television Critics Association, his writing and criticism about television, culture, and media has appeared on NPR and in Playboy, Buzzfeed, and many other publications. Andy, 36, also directs the journalism program at Stetson University in Florida, where he teaches creative nonfiction and journalism. He has an M.F.A. in nonfiction writing and literature from Bennington College. More about reality blurred and Andy.