Live blogging the finale of The Bachelor 13. Refresh often for the latest mocking of this awesome crapfest.
10:59 / “You gotta follow your heart, and if some people don’t like that, I get that. It’s not the classiest or coolest thing to do in the world. It’s not, but you can’t control what’s inside you,” Jason explains, and the “historic” reunion ends. The spoiler was right, and now we’ll see what they do for another hour tomorrow night. Maybe Jason will dump Molly and ask Chris out?
10:57 / Molly and Jason make out, and she asks, “Is this for real right now?” Chris says, “Guys, America’s watching this.” As in: No second base.
10:55 / Did they just zoom out from a close-up on Molly’s ring-less finger or breasts?
10:54 / Molly says, “I think we still have a lot to talk about” but says “those feelings never went away.” There’s more silence on this show (with weird clicking in the background) than The Hills.
10:49 / “I ended things with her,” Jason says, and Molly looks at Chris, like, “What?” She looks confused, and her facial expressions alternate from thrilled to happy. “What I did to her was horrible,” Jason says. “But I don’t want to live my life with any regrets.” Or with low finale ratings.
10:40 / Molly, talking to Chris, says she’s game to be back with Jason–“just because he didn’t choose me in the end doesn’t mean all of that is going to go away overnight”–but also says she needs “closure.” Chris teases her with the possibility and she wants him to say “I made a mistake; I want you back,” although she wants “a few more answers” first.
10:36 / Boring recap of Molly. We just saw all of this. Clearly, they don’t have enough crying to fill up an hour. How much recapping do you think there will be during tomorrow’s extra hour?
10:25 / “Don’t call me, don’t text me any more, leave me alone, please. Thank you.” And with that, Melissa’s gone–I mean, being stalked backstage by a camera.
10:23 / Chris Harrison rubs salt in Melissa’s open wound by recapping everything “to clarify.” Now he says he’s going to excuse himself so they can say goodbye. In front of the huge crew in the studio.
10:20 / Melissa just gave back the ring after saying, “I wish more than anything that last day you would have just let me go instead of doing this to me. I’m so mad at you.” You know you could sell that on eBay, right?
10:18 / Melissa: “You’re such a bastard.” Good, now pull at his weave!
10:18 / “You don’t want to fight for Melissa,” Melissa says, referring to herself in the third person.
10:14 / Jason and Melissa are totally icy toward one another. Big contrast from their happy ending a mere 15 minutes ago. How quickly things change! “We’re not right for each other,” Jason says, and Melissa says, “I don’t believe you. I thought things were perfect.”
10:08 / He may be frequently be a tool, but Chris Harrison asks good questions: “Are you going to end this tonight?” he asked. Jason said, “I have to.”
10:07 / Jason hasn’t seen Molly because “I had to give Melissa her chance.”
10:04 / Jason’s crying already. “It’s been a crazy time,” he says. “Since this all ended, things have been different, and we’re not right for each other.”
10:02 / Chris Harrison’s teaser totally spoils what Normally on After the FInal Rose, we would talk to the happy couple and celebrate their journey to love. But tongiht is going to be a little different.”
10:01 / Ty runs out in his finale attire, and the three jump in the pool. Actually kind of nice.
9:58 / Melissa shrieks and jumps up and down before Jason really said anything, and then, while he’s on one knee, literally says, “Give me one second,” turns around, and shrieks again as if no one would see her. This shit is amazing.
9:52 / Molly’s limo ride of shame is the most graceful I’ve ever seen. Tears, but little else. Jason is bawling on the balcony. Oh wait, now she’s starting to talk and getting mad, saying that he’s dumb.
9:48 / Molly starts crying and says, “I just think you’re making a huge mistake.” She wasn’t, alas, talking about the fact that he wore a tie that looked like it’d been cut from the same fabric as her dress.
9:45 / “I don’t know how I could ever let you go,” Jason says, and then pauses just as the producers probably taught him to do. “But I have to.” Drama!
9:45 / Jason dumps Molly after she says “I wouldn’t take back a minute.” How about the minute during which you were dumped?
9:41 / This is way too much build-up. Jason says he’s been “waiting for years” and so have we. Dump someone already.
9:31 / Based upon these descriptions, guess who Jason’s going to pick? On Melissa: “I’ve been falling in love with Melissa since our first date. She is the sweetest, most genuine, honest, beautiful person I’ve ever met.” “She knows how to show that she loves and she cares. I can definitely imagine Melissa as my wife.” On Molly: “When Molly looks at me with those eyes, she’s got me. She’s that tomboy gone pretty. She is fun, athletic, sexy. With Molly, the passion is still growing. I feel so good because to have that unknown excitement with Molly, it’s like a roller coaster ride.”
9:23 / That’s what they’ve been teasing for weeks with DeAnna? Such bullshit, and such manipulative editing. How dare they create fake teasers suggesting she wants Jason to propose to her? Then again, considering her visit was so boring and uneventful, that makes perfect sense.
9:22 / Jason: “I’ve got to follow my heart now.” DeAnna: “I wouldn’t say follow your heart, I would say lead it. I followed my heart.”
9:22 / DeAnna: “I chose the wild card. I steered away from what I wanted. If I would have chose you, it would have worked. You had all of the things I was looking for. If I was to go back and really follow what I wanted, I would have made a different decision. … You haven’t proposed yet, you still have a chance. And that’s why I’m here.” Jason: “Um.”
9:19 / OMG DeAnna! “I came to visit!” she lies
9:18 / Melissa’s parents refused to be on the show, basically, and Jason’s phone call to them wasn’t even on speakerphone. I have mad respect for them.
9:15 / Molly gave Jason a vaguely creepy scrapbook titled “A Fairytale Love Story” filled with things like the notes he wrote her and Sept. 25 note that said she’d been chosen for the show. Jason’s first response, when he read that Molly described him as “the love of my life” was maybe not ideal: “Oh my gosh, really?” as if he was about to throw the book on the floor and run out the door.
9:06 / “Strip down, baby,” Molly tells Jason before straddling him and smearing oil all over his body, and then making him flip over to do his front, mmm hmm. This is The Bachelor‘s version of a sex scene; it’s all in the not-exactly-veiled metaphors.
9:02 / This Yaz commercial freaks me out because they were ordered by the FDA to “correct to a few points in those ads” which “were not clear,” but I still have no idea what the hell is going on, or why this woman is walking around a swingers’ club while taking to us about this clearly important, complex information.
8:53 / “This whole thing is so much bigger than I thought it would be,” Molly cried while on the phone with her mom. I guess we’ll have to start calling it the “big guy.” Later, she said “I’ve had a lot of firsts” and said “he has showed me so much.” The editors must be having fun with us.
8:44 / Jason: “I can see a life with both of them.” Maybe this is just because I watched Big Love today, but maybe the shocking, first-time-ever conclusion is Jason asking them both–and Deanna–to marry him.
8:43 / Sean asks if Molly is “the right piece of the puzzle” after Jason’s mom says relationships aren’t “a bed of roses,” but later says “she loves you to pieces.” It’s the cliché family!
8:40 / Jason’s decision comes down to “which road that fits best for me.” So who’s the dirt road and who’s the 18-lane superhighway?
8:39 / Jason’s other brother (I think; my eyes roll back into my head when they come on the screen) talks about how he likes to have his “freedom” despite having a girlfriend. He’ll be on Tool Academy next season.
8:39 / Jason’s brother Sean talks about doing his “due diligence,” and by that he means “ask obvious, boring questions.”
8:38 / “It did not surprise them in any way that this is the fashion that I would fall in love and find the person I would spend the rest of my life with,” Molly says of her family, who “support anything I do.” It’s every parents’ dream for their kid to find love on a reality show.
8:29 / Ty doesn’t like Molly, but then warms up to her. Also I’m pretty sure that the Frisbee they’re throwing might knock him out because it’s as big as his torso.
8:28 / “You’ll get to see a different part of me,” Jason says. STOP THIS! It’s too easy.
8:27 / “I get to meet the little guy,” Molly says. Are they going to show that on television?
8:16 / If the spoiler comes true, Jason’s family’s grilling of Melissa about not hurting Jason will be pretty damn ironic.
8:16 / Jason says, “In the end it can make a huge difference” that he hasn’t met her parents, but says “I haven’t had any doubts.” Foreshadowing!
8:12 / Melissa needs to stop referencing Jason’s “little guy” and saying things like, “he warmed right up to me, we played.”
8:07 / OMFG Jason just brought a lamb onto the golf course for no reason except to allow Melissa to make baaad jokes. I hoped he was going to say, “Meet your dinner, Ty.”
8:05 / “I’m worried about your little guy,” Melissa said, apparently referring to Ty, not Jason’s penis as I first thought.
8:03 / Jason tells Ty he’s there to “meet new friends,” which sounds better than “reality show skank whores.”
8:00 / “I’m here to find the person I’m going to spend the rest of my life with, and that includes Ty,” Jason says, apparently not meaning that he plans to spend the rest of his life dating his son.
8:00 / Seconds later, they tease Deanna’s visit “I think I made a mistake,” Deanna says in the preview. She’s totally going to machete the two women, although maybe only figuratively.
8:00 / Chris Harrison promises it’s “the most dramatic season finale in Bachelor history”! Who knew?