You have to love a reunion, even an Andy Cohen-hosted one, when it starts with one cast member saying she’s going to put her breast implants on eBay. That would be Real Housewives of Orange County‘s Tamra, who insists she’s going to auction off her old implants. “No, [viewers] just want them because they’re mine. They do. Watch,” she told a skeptical Vicki.
Despite his absurd insistence upon structuring the reunion around viewer e.mail instead of just asking questions, and using asshaty words like “jobby” to refer to a boob job, Andy Cohen was actually a good host at some points. “It seems like you’re always defending bad behavior, especially when people aren’t treating you the way that you deserve to be treated,” Andy told Jeana, who’d just dismissed her son Shane’s verbal threat to hit her with a baseball bat by saying, “Shane just snapped.”
And later Andy scolded Tamra, “You need to take responsibility for your behavior this season.” Tamra was at the center of a lot of the reunion drama, just as she was during this past season. At one point she said that “it’s all about moral character,” and Gretchen said, like “when you sicced your son on me?” About that “premeditated” attempt to get Gretchen drunk, Tamra said, “We were all drunk. … I was the most ashamed, the most embarrassed I’ve ever been in my entire life, and I can’t even make excuses for myself. What I did was wrong.” She also said, “I wasn’t pimping my son out,” and said Gretchen “handled herself well” in the bathroom.
Speaking of Gretchen, she talked about Jeff’s death last fall, and said she’s still wearing her engagement ring and is not dating anyone new. On an entirely unrelated subject, she said, “We’re sexy but we’re still classy,” and “there’s a big difference between sexy and skanky.”
Indeed, and it’s definitely not sexy when Andy Cohen uses the term “love tank,” even when he’s quoting someone else. “To make it perfectly clear, Don is filling up your love tank right now,” Andy asked Vicki, who said Don is, but only partially.
Meanwhile, Vicki and Tamra got into a fight with Lynne about who’s dumber. “I know they’re both rocket scientists over there–slash housewives,” Lynne said. Tamra said, “the light’s on and no one’s home” and Lynne came back with, “and you’re like the brightest bulb.” Watching dumb people accuse each other of being dumb is so much fun.
Later, right when the reunion started to get all VH1, Andy Cohen annoyingly stepped in. There was some absurdly overcomplicated back-and-forth as Tamra told a long story that ended with her accusing Gretchen of dating some guy, and as it got heated, Andy jumped in with, “Let’s, let’s, come on, come on” when Tamra told Gretchen, “You’re such a fucking victim, are’t you?”
Jeana reacted to that language, saying, “Jesus Christ, Tamra,” and apparently missed the irony in her statement. Meanwhile, Jeana made a remark about Lynne, who first said, “I’m over it already … I still love you, baby,” but then burst into tears a few minutes later. Jeana said, “I hurt her feelings. She didn’t expect that from me. I never pick on her.” Vicki brought the attention back to herself by saying, “Lynne, you’ve hurt my feelings a lot, too.”
Lynne said simply, “Words hurt.”
Words also apparently make more sense when repeated. When Andy Cohen challenged Vicki and said, “You called [Lynne] a ditz on the show,” Vicki said, “I didn’t mean a ditz like a ditz ditz ditz.” Got it.
During the last segment, before giving the women shots of tequila and making them say “woo hoo” (sigh), Andy Cohen said, “the folks at BravoTV.com have made something as a tribute to the girls, as you affectionately call your bobs, and these are going to be sold on BravoTV.com.” He then held up this shirt and said, “They’re kind of cute, right? So these are on sale at BravoTV.com.”
Oh, Andy: Three web site whoring references in a minute? Your words hurt.