Chelsia evicted as the houseguests continue their half-assed attempts to be entertaining

This week, I discovered that my DVR is not taping Big Brother 9 any more because CBS officially changed the name of the season in electronic listings from “Big Brother: ‘Til Death Do You Part” to “Big Brother 9.” On the surface, this seems to be an incredibly dumb move, as my DVR was not smart enough to know the difference, and thus it just stopped taping the show. Perhaps this is CBS’ secret plan to get everyone to forget this season ever happened.

More significantly, I suppose, is that I didn’t notice or care. The truth is, I haven’t missed it, because I don’t care at all about this season any more. Oh, sure, there’s a lot of fun to be had: Natalie is a certifiable dumbass (“D-U-N–done”; “All-timer’s disease”), Joshuah is a mumbling moronic asshat, Adam actually likes and eats baby food, James is more self-absorbed than crazy, and Ryan and Adam (with frequent assists by Natalie) offer plenty of ignorance, particularly about religion. Overall, I kind of think that if the doors to the house were locked permanently, the world end up being a little better.

In an apparently attempt to inject some drama, producers brought Dick Donato back for the POV competition Tuesday, but the only interesting moment that came out of that was Josh telling Dick, “People love to call me the gay version of you. I don’t see it.” Hysterically, Dick called him on his self-delusion: “I kept hearing you call yourself the gay version of me.” Josh said, “Yep. I’m pretty brooal” (translation: brutal).

But Dick and that conversation were just a reminder that this season now seems populated with half-assed versions of the unlikable people from previous seasons. There’s no one left in the house to root for, and also no one left to really hate with flaming passion, and as disturbing as that is, I think I need that to care. Big Brother 6 offered an epic battle between good and evil, and even last season offered evil versus stupid, but this season no longer has much going for it.

The producers really should have let the couples play to the end and ended it early, especially since the decoupling hasn’t really been dramatic. Natalie hasn’t freaked out without Matty to damage her self-esteem. And Tuesday, James pulled out yet another win, saving himself after winning the veto, and his nominated girlfriend Chelsia didn’t even question his decision.

“I have entrenched here,” James said after winning. “There is magical wizards keeping me in this house.” Alas, they aren’t grammar wizards. Meanwhile, Josh convinced Sharon to convince Adam to nominate her as a pawn, and unbelievably, that worked. Also unbelievably, Natalie made a compelling argument for not back-dooring Josh and dumping Chelsia while they had the chance. Once Sharon was nominated, Josh basically couldn’t contain himself. “I am the master of this house. This is my house,” he said, practically salivating. Wait until he finds out the world thinks he’s a twit.

Instead of fighting, Chelsia gave up, blaming James. “Developing a relationship with James–I mean, having feelings for him, has screwed me over in this game,” she said, and proceeded to have a pretty stupid and unspectacular breakdown/flip-out. After Natalie colored eggs, Chelsia started smashing them. Of course, hard boiled eggs don’t smash dramatically. “If I’m going to go out of this house, I’m going to go out with a bang,” she said. Ultimately, even James voted against her, and she was evicted, but not before going after everyone else. “I still have my dignity, because I did not breast feed off any one of you to stay in this house, so please, folks, give me your vote,” she said when Julie Chen gave her the opportunity to speak.

Other high/lowlights: Adam’s own mother obliquely called him autistic, saying “a bit of Rain Man in him some times.” That’s ironic, considering Adam got fired for calling autistic people “retards.” And Joshuah is becoming ever-increasingly meglomanical although he has nothing to back it up except the inability to enunciate. He even criticized Chelsia for “verbally attacking people.” Calling him a hypocrite doesn’t seem like enough. As After Elton suggests, “It’s obvious that the extra ‘H’ in his name stands for ‘Houseguest from Hell’.”

At the end of the episode, Sheila was in a bedroom, inexplicably crying: happiness for Natalie’s HOH win? Sadness at her own loss? Tears for Chelsia? Whatever it was, at long last, I found myself identifying with Sheila for a half a second, because I can’t stand even watching these people on TV, and she has to live with them.

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about the writer

Andy Dehnart is a journalist who has covered reality television for more than 15 years and created reality blurred in 2000. A member of the Television Critics Association, his writing and criticism about television, culture, and media has appeared on NPR and in Playboy, Buzzfeed, and many other publications. Andy, 36, also directs the journalism program at Stetson University in Florida, where he teaches creative nonfiction and journalism. He has an M.F.A. in nonfiction writing and literature from Bennington College. More about reality blurred and Andy.