Exes Sharon and Jacob evicted from Big Brother 9

Usually Big Brother takes a few weeks to get interesting, but thanks to a cast of type-A, capital-A asses, this season is already interesting.

The episode opened with the season’s first offensive remark. Adam was talking about his job, and said, “We’re doing a hair salon for kids with special needs. So the retards can get it together and get their hair done, you know what I mean?” His partner, Sheila, who loathes him, said, “Don’t call them that,” and Adam said, “I can call them whatever I want; I work with them all day long, okay?”

In the Diary Room, Adam, who chews with his mouth open and snores and has a creepy stare, said, “Sweetheart, don’t tell me what I need to do. I bust my ass, bro, to help these special needs children.” And I’m sure they love you.

Meanwhile, we have a new alpha-male ass, Parker, the TMZ paparazzo, woke up everyone in the house to figure out who talked about him behind his back after Jacob mentioned that someone referred to Parker as a snake. “I will not tolerate people talking shit,” Parker told the half-asleep group.

Parker learned from someone that Ryan was the one who made the comment, and that led to the revelation of one of the two hidden twists. Jen told Parker that she and Ryan are dating in order to protect her boyfriend, who Parker wanted to target. And Ryan told Allison, so it’s only a matter of time before everyone knows.

When they had to announce their eviction decision, Jen started crying and said that they felt bad that they had to evict a nice woman along with her partner, but “something that happened with her partner, just, we can’t look past it, and neither can anybody else.”

The entire time, Sheila looked like she was going home, and it looked like they would be punishing Adam for his offensive comment about disabled kids, but these are Big Brother contestants, so they evicted Jacob and Sharon, the exes, because Parker decided that Jacob himself was the person who called him a snake.

For the HOH competition, which Alex and Amanda won, season eight couple Eric and Jessica showed up to host and proved that past contestants should never show back up, because they just destroy our memory of them: Jessica was super-annoying and Eric was back in his furrowed-brow faking-his-way-through-it mode.