Real-life couple Ryan and Jen nominated along with their partners

The producers’ decision to put pre-existing couples into the Big Brother 9 house, along with some dumb-ass move by the contestants, has left the remaining pre-existing couple, Jen and Ryan, nominated for eviction along with their partners.

Allison, Ryan’s partner, got annoyed with his girlfriend, who “has 100 percent screwed up my game play, because now I’m forced to align with her and she’s acting all high and mighty,” Allison said. They clashed, and then Parker decided that since Allison was going to tell everyone (which she did not do, despite having the opportunity), he would preempt her action by revealing the secret to Alex and Matt. Alex and Amanda are HOH(s?), and naturally they felt betrayed by their buddy Parker, so up for nomination went everyone.

Well before the nomination ceremony, when word spread around the house, Joshuah suggested that everyone gather and swear on the Bible that they weren’t in a secret relationship, because “if you swear on it in front of all of America, you are going straight to hell.” (What happens when you swear in front of a tiny fraction of America? You get a day trip to hell?)

But most of the houseguests did it, passing around a black and pink designer Bible, and either they’re all Christians or they’re too dumb to realize what they were doing. Matt knew the answer and proved to be an exception. “Half these people aren’t even religious,” he said. “They’re swearing on a bunch of words. Who cares?”

Meanwhile, Sheila and Allison “decided to be lesbians,” as Allison explained, pretending to be another secret couple, because being in a secret couple worked so well for the other two teams. But during the timespan the episode covered, at least, the other houseguests appeared to buy their story; Chelsia called them “adorable.”

While the show did not yet address one cast member’s unexpected departure from the house, it did get serious. Alex confessed that “on 9/11, I lost my father, and it’s a day that I will never forget.”

And Amanda told the group, “My father hung himself. If I can get over his suicide and helping pick out his coffin at 21 years old, I can get through anything the rest of my life.” She said he called her immediately beforehand, saying, “Thanks, you never answer the phone when I need you.” And she now thinks he wouldn’t have killed himself if she’d answered her phone. Chelsia told us that Amanda used to seem like an “annoying bitch that wants all this attention,” but now realized that there’s a “softer side to her.” And now we know that there’s a shallow side to Chelsia.