All-star teams travel to Auschwitz, choke down 24 inches of kielbasa

After watching two hours of The Amazing Race 11, I’m almost as exhausted as the teams were, and I didn’t even travel from one hemisphere to another. The two hours were full of lots of airline ticket drama, but they also had a few touching minutes as the teams visited Auschwitz. While they were well-behaved and legitimately moved by the experience, that didn’t stop them from acting like assclowns before and after their visit.

  • Phil said, “Since flights to Warsaw are limited, teams have been provided with tickets on a flight scheduled to arrive the next day at 11:25 a.m. However, they are under no obligation to use the tickets.” Hello, equalizer.
  • Working for hours to find flights, many of the teams decided to focus on preventing other teams from getting reservations rather than securing their own. “I don’t want you to share. You understand, my sister?” Mirna said condescendingly to a travel agent. Just a few minutes earlier, Mirna, Dustin, and Kandice managed to convince that agent to hang up the phone on Uchenna, who frustratingly said on the other end of the phone, “People are telling ‘em to hang the phone up. … Is there a small person with them?” The Amazing Race: All-Asses.
  • Mirna was wearing a t-shirt under a sweater that said “This is what c looks like.” But the word starting with c was cut off by her sweater, so unless I missed it, the world will never know what c she was showing us.
  • “I want you to do something besides bitch,” Eric told Danielle, who replied, “Your personality is absolutely irritation; I don’t know where it came from.” Eric said, “Well, you’ve never raced with me.” And Danielle replied, “No, obviously not. I’m surprised Jeremy didn’t kill you.” Well, he certainly didn’t sign up for a second race with Eric, did he?
  • Bill and Joe left the pit stop at 7:01 p.m., almost 15 hours after Charla and Mirna first left. This time, though, their delay wasn’t because they were being cocky. And they caught a pre-booked flight and tied with Eric and Danielle, who also took that flight.
  • At the airport in Kilimanjaro, where the four had to change planes, Joe freaked out when airport personnel told him they couldn’t get on the plane. “Radio the pilot, tell him we’re all here, we’re all ready to walk on, we’re wasting time.” Then he ran outside and started waving at the plane, screaming, “Let us on the plane!” His partner simply said, “I think he’s lost it.”
  • In Poland, Charla adopted the odd accent she and Mirna adopt when speaking in English to non-English speakers and asked a cab driver, “You like Polish hot dogs? You like polish sausage?” The cab driver ignored her. “He doesn’t like us too much,” she said through clenched teeth. “No, I don’t think so,” Mirna said. Hey, maybe if you told him a Polish joke he’d be more conversational.
  • “You know how to speak? You know how to talk?” Mirna asked some people, pointing at her lips. Then she told us, “It was frustrating to not understand why they wouldn’t reach out to two young girls asking for help. … Maybe they’ve never seen a little person.” Or, maybe they’ve never seen such a patronizing bitch before.
  • “Oh, sorry,” Joyce said, closing a door, “I hear pianos.” But it would have been an odd place for a piano: “That’s a toilet,” Uchenna said.
  • Oswald has his priorities: After a pianist gave him the clue, he and Danny hugged the man, and Oswald said, “If I were in town, I would ask for your number.”
  • Phil told us, “With teams spread so far apart, Dustin and Kandice are beginning the eighth leg of the race while two teams have yet to finish the previous leg.” So much for equalizers.
  • Joe and Bill were saved by the non-elimination leg, and Joe kissed Phil, who said, “careful where you’re going there.” Oh, Phil. You know you like affection from your teams.
  • Fighting over a cup of coffee, Eric dismissed Danille and said, “Don’t worry; it won’t last much longer.” You mean your sham relationship with Danielle, Eric? Or your time on the race?
  • At Auschwitz, the teams had to read a passage out loud about the genocide that occurred there, and then “observe a moment of silence.” The music quieted, and so did the teams.
  • Oswald, Danny, Uchenna, and Joyce all checked in at the same time because there was an Intersection after their visit to the concentration camp, and they worked together to complete the Fast Forward. At the mat, Phil told them, “so guys, I have one prize to give away, and I’m going to leave it up to you as to who’s going to get it.” Oswald and Danny generously gave it to the other team, but come on, producers: it’s not like a tie was a surprise there. How about two prizes?
  • It’s time for Guess the Detour Challenge Using Out-of-Context Quotations! Eric: “You have to eat 24 inches.” Mirna: “It’s so much bigger than I ever thought.” Kandice or Dustin: “Why is mine so much thicker than everybody else’s?” Eric: “Dani, can you eat that?” Bill: “Put it on, and just get it really long like he did and just keep squeezing it off.” Joe: “Yours hasn’t even gone down yet. I’m going to concentrate on Eric.” Give up? They weren’t at a brothel, but were instead making and then eating kielbasa sausage.
  • “Ladies and gentleman, Miss California!” Eric said as Dustin vomited sausage. Then Charla, who we saw with vomit on her lips (!), started hurling into a bucket, and the other teams covered their ears. And I started dry heaving. Thanks, Amazing Race.
  • “The one thing we know is Mirna can’t drive worth a damn,” Joe said. She also can’t negotiate. Trying to convince a taxi driver to show them they way, she said, “You think I’m made of money? I’m a young girl, I don’t have $100. You think I’m a millionaire?” The cab driver slammed the door on her and said, “bye bye,” and kept walking as Mirna cried, “Have a little bit of sympathy as a human being!” Tragically, he came back, falling for Mirna’s bullshit.
  • For the Roadblock, a team member had to dress in knight’s armor and lead a horse around a castle. “She looked like a dressed-up rat,” Joe said of Charla, and it was kind of true. When she and her horse started walking in circles, it was especially funny, as was the moment when she fell flat on her face. Twice. At least she was wearing armor.
  • Joe and Bill arrived fifth but had their 30-minute penalty for coming in last place, and thus were eliminated. “I’ve had a knight in shining armor for 20 years now,” Joe said. That was touching, but he wasn’t being poetic; Bill was standing next to him, wearing a metal suit.

about the writer

Andy Dehnart is a journalist who has covered reality television for more than 15 years and created reality blurred in 2000. A member of the Television Critics Association, his writing and criticism about television, culture, and media has appeared on NPR and in Playboy, Buzzfeed, and many other publications. Andy, 36, also directs the journalism program at Stetson University in Florida, where he teaches creative nonfiction and journalism. He has an M.F.A. in nonfiction writing and literature from Bennington College. More about reality blurred and Andy.