CBS is currently casting for Big Brother 8, which was officially renewed in February and will air for three months this summer. Applications are due Friday [update: CBS has extended the deadline to April 20, also a Friday], while open casting calls continue until May 5.
Because last season was an all-star season, regular people weren’t able to apply, and it’s easy to forget what the show wants and needs for three months of television that will undoubtedly make us squeal with delight while watching but hate ourselves after it ends.
Anyway, the application [PDF] includes 71 questions, some of which are just biographical, but most of which appear to be designed to figure out what kind of houseguest you’d be, and they’re hysterical. Here’s a primer on a few of those questions–but read them all–you’ll encounter in the application, and my advice about how to answer them. Note that following my advice will probably get you disqualified since I’m making all of this up:
Bra Size (women only)
Yes, they really want to know both of these, plus a bunch of other details. Correct answer for bra size: The bigger the better. For underwear size, write, “Underwear?”
8. Name, Phone Number, and Address of your Best Friend.
9a. Name, Phone Number, and Address of the Relative that lives closest to you.
Here, pick people you wouldn’t mind the producers contacting and bringing into the game. If you write down your racist Meemaw’s name for number 9a, for example, you can bet she’ll be invited to stay overnight in the house with you.
31. If you drink, how often do you get drunk? How do you act when you get drunk?
Correct answer: “I’m too drunk to remember how often I drink, you fucking assholes!”
47. Have you ever been diagnosed with, or treated for, alcoholism or any other drug-related addiction? If so, please provide more details, including how long you’ve been in recovery, if that’s the case.
51. When was the last time (if any) you hit, punched, kicked, or threw something in anger? Please provide details.
Subtext: Please describe as vividly as possible because this kind of stuff really turns us on.
48. Do you have a temper? How often do you lose your temper? What provokes you?
Correct answers: “Yes.” “Regularly.” “Everything.”
56. Describe your perfect day.
Correct answer: “Sitting around a house half-naked eating oatmeal, fighting with random strangers, clapping for and inserting giant keys into cheaply made props, and being watched by people sitting in front of their computers touching themselves.”
66. Which past “Big Brother” houseguest did you like the most? The least? Explain.
Correct answer: “I don’t know; I never watched the show, but my friend says I should apply.” If you come off like a show geek, your chances will probably drop. They’re coming off an all-star season that was kind of an unmitigated disaster, thanks in part to the way everyone knew how to play the game. Also, naming houseguests suggests that you’re sober and can remember people’s names.
63. What types of people would you NOT choose to live with you in the house?
69. A recurring theme on “Big Brother” is “expect the unexpected.” How would you handle “the unexpected?” Are there any possible twists on the show that would be particularly challenging for you to handle?
If you’re stupid enough to answer these questions seriously, then you’re stupid. Instead, the correct response here is something that sounds horrifying but that you actually love. For example, if you like snakes, say your worst fear is being covered by snakes; the producers will schedule a challenge that features your fear, and you’ll win. If you love hanging out with Wal-Mart greeters, say that you fear old people in blue vests, and they’ll cast a bunch of them.